


Hell And You

by shutupjudy



Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 5
Genre: Attempted Murder, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Development, Dom/sub Undertones, Eventual Smut, F/M, Guns, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Jacob Has A Potty Mouth, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Minor Character Death, Murder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Dynamics, Religious Conflict, Religious Cults
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:20:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 44,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28098306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shutupjudy/pseuds/shutupjudy
Summary: “I’d let all of them die to keep you safe.”, he says more to his radio than Leah.His words don’t comfort her. It’s not fair.Long before The Collapse comes, a young woman finds a new home in Montana and Eden's Gate after being shunned from her family. She's finally adjusted to her purpose when things take a turn for the worse.
Relationships: Jacob Seed/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 42
Kudos: 60
Collections: Far Cry 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!  
> This isn't the first thing I've ever written, but the first time I've ever published something.  
> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy!  
> Comments, questions, concerns are always appreciated <3
> 
> A playlist full of songs that inspired Hell And You can be found here:  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5W8vbMbpexLvI083ZdlBSw?si=zL7KkHFRQduaqyLaRWTB6g

_  
  
“Bless the name of those who_

_Have dealt you blows._

_Be grateful to those who_

_Have caused you harm._

_For it is these sufferings that_

_Have led you to me.”_

She’s seen her fair share of nature documentaries and received postcards from friends and family from other states. But feeling the warm breeze gently enveloping her and the smell of pine trees everywhere around her makes Hope County feel more like a home than the streets of Chicago ever managed to do.  
  
The Hope County clinic is small and secluded, her accommodation is not even half the room she has at home, but she is content. She spends her days tending to small wounds, mostly cuts and scrapes, sometimes broken bones or dislocated joints the locals get from their farm work. The people of Hope County are hardworking but satisfied from what Leah hears. She smiles shyly at the expletives they shout out when they are particularly in pain, listens intently to their stories and politely declines invitations to come out to the local bar. Many ask her what a girl in her late twenties is doing in ‘bumfuck nowhere Montana’.  
She always tells them about her Nurse Practitioner degree, but the reason she came here changes from time to time. Sometimes it’s charity, sometimes it’s expanding her horizon.  
She remembers the last sermon at her church about charity before she left, Pastor Smith wildly gesturing with his arms while he rambles on about charity being one of the ways into heaven. After all, the love and care we show to others is a true reflection of the love that God has put in us.  
  
She remembers her little sisters puffy and red, tear stained eyes as she holds onto her mothers’ hand, crying and crying while Leah walks through the gate to get onto a flight to Montana. She doesn’t know why Leah is leaving. Her mother tells her that Leah is full of sins that she needs to atone for. Tells her that Leah is now unclean after she let two boys touch her. Leah never tells her mother about the knife that was held to her throat that night.

\---

When the man in a sweater with a red cross on it stands in the door of the clinic, she’s weary. Dr. Connors tells her about a ‘cult’ all the time. Calls them Peggies with the sort of venom in her mouth that Leah vowed to never use when talking about another person. Dr. Connors is nice, she smiles at Leah when she tells stories from back home about her church, her family and her life. But the smile isn’t genuine, it’s a smile that would be given to a child that tells you it just gained another imaginary friend or the smile the girls at university gave Leah when she declined to drink or party in favor of studying.

The man talks to her about the Father and how he will protect them from something he calls ‘The Collapse’. The devotion in his eyes is something Leah has only ever seen in Pastor Smiths’ eyes. He tells her how they will all march to Eden’s Gate together. Leah hears the name Eden’s Gate on the radio sometimes, but as soon as that happens, Dr. Connors changes the channel. It is clear to Leah that the doctor has a strong aversion to the man standing in front of her. But still, she doesn’t say anything to him. She tolerates him, but not out of respect Leah later learns.

Dr. Connors sits her down after the man has left and tells her to stay away from them as far as she can. Leah listens intently as she was taught.

“Damn Peggies, you’re here for a month and they already start extendin’ their claws towards you. Now if you’re ever out and about and you see em’, you run as fast in the other direction as you can, you hear me sugar?”

Leah catches herself fiddling with cross around her neck more often that day. She wants to know what Eden’s Gate is teaching. She misses her community at home, her parish and her church. She lays in bed that night feeling conflicted. She values Dr. Connors opinion and deeply respects her. But she longs for community, moreover community rooted in the word of God.

\---

The word of the Father is heavy in her hands, the white binding of the book still pristine and without damage. It’s a stark contrast to her old and beat up Bible that she keeps in her bedside table.  
  
The first time she speaks to the Father a warm feeling rises in her until she feels her cheeks flush pink and the hair on the back of her neck stands up. He is soft spoken, embraces her when she tells him the reason she came to Hope County. Leah could not lie to this man even if she wanted to. She’s pulled into him so much that the edges of her vision darken and all she sees is him.

The second time he speaks to her, she has just opened the heavy door of the church in the compound after Dr. Connors told her that she could no longer work at the clinic. Leah knows she found the word of the Father in her room.  
She knows she should not interrupt a sermon, but she feels empty and helpless just like the day her parents turned away from her. The attending members turn towards her, dark and worn out faces with squinted eyes.

Leah tries to wipe the remaining tears off her cheeks when he calls out to her to come closer. Her mind is too clouded to realize the tattoos on his torso or the sins etched into his body.

Hot tears roll down her face again while she kneels on the hard floor in front of the Father while he looks to the sky and his arms are extended upwards. He is asking for her spirit and her life. He requires her to relinquish all of her and give herself entirely to the grand plan for when the Collapse comes. Her throat gets tight and a sob threatens to burst out of her while he exclaims that they will march to Eden’s Gate together as one.

Her hands are shaking when she is embraced by all the people in the church, the soft murmurs of her new family surround her. Leah writes a letter to her family that night, not knowing she will never send it to them.


	2. Chapter 2

The low buzzing of the tattoo needle feels like Leah’s teeth are rattling inside her skull while she sits in the cold room that is so dimly lit, she has problems seeing three meters in front of her. John's blue eyes were boring into hers mere moments ago, his face easing into a relaxed smile as she said yes. Her head is lolled back over the back of the chair as John carves her.

John seems different from his siblings. He smells of expensive cologne and his clothes are made of fine materials. His beard and hair frame his handsome face perfectly. His grand speeches make him seem fanatic, his looks and clothing make him seem like he is from the outside. Whereas the Father's words are calm and quiet, listening to questions and always answering them to the fullest satisfaction of the listener, John is loud and erratic. His quest to expose and absolve sin seems to be shadowing everything else. This is the first time Leah is intimidated since she came to Hope County, but she knows the Father trusts him, so she does as well.

The physical pain fades quickly. The emotional pain of her sins being revealed takes a while. Every time she sees the black letters spanning from her collarbone to her shoulder, she is relieved her sin is revealed and she doesn’t have to hide it inside her anymore.

\---

The lake outside the Veteran’s Center is calm and quiet the day Leah arrives with the others. The faded yellow paint is chipping off the walls, the building towering over her and her fellow sisters and brothers of Eden’s Gate. Leah tries to imagine what everything looked like before the building was converted to serve the Project.

Life within Eden’s Gate is hard and laborious, but Leah still holds on to the gratitude that comes her way from patching up wounds all over Hope County.  
The people are simple. Some are nicer than others, especially the men at the outposts do not have many words for her. They are all so tense to a point that they flinch at a bird flying over.

Privacy is a hard thing to come by these days. She clutches the word of the Father as she sits on the bunk bed in the room she shares with ten other people. A headache sits on the top of her head, threatening to spread to her whole head. Her hands are tired and her whole body is aching. She has to remind herself and her tired mind often these days that this is for the Father, this is for _salvation._

She knows what the oldest Seed brother has turned the Veteran’s Center into, muffled screams from the distance sometimes travel to her ears. The growling of the Judges kept outside in the yard are so bone chilling that Leah sometimes lays awake at night because she can’t get the sound out of her head.

But she knows it is what has to be done. They still pray together and sing together every chance that they get. It fills Leah with so much joy to be part of this family, the warmth that she feels in her stomach spreads through her whole body every time they sit together in prayer. The Father tells them they are sacred because they have accepted his word into their soul which will make them rise again after the collapse.

She knows that people want to tear down the project for their own selfish reasons, but those people will never be saved because they don’t understand. Leah finds comfort in the fact that all the wrath and anger they are directing towards the Father and his people will strike them tenfold when the Collapse will finally come to take them.

She is hopeful and willing to work, and yet, every time she showers, she tries to avoid the mirrors set up in the communal bathrooms. Her hair that she was always so proud of and maintained, so much so that her mother scolded her for vanity, is brittle and dull. Her lips and hands are almost constantly dry and cracked, no matter how much Vaseline she sneaks from the medical facility and she can see the contours of her ribs staring to show.

\---

A bead of sweat slowly makes its way down Leah’s forehead as she holds down the second patient of the day that comes in because of a kneecap popping out. She can feel the dull throb of pain in her lower back from standing so much, and her cheek is still warm from the elbow she took to the face earlier by another struggling patient.

The injuries Leah has to treat in the Veteran’s Center are grave. Open bone breaks, punctured lungs, bullet wounds and bites from the Judges. John and his wealth make sure they are always supplied, but Eden’s Gate cannot control the outside world. They run out of Tetanus shots at one point and Leah has to sit beside two people suffocating from their cramps two nights later.

A nasty case of the stomach flu is making rounds in the compound and at times, Leah is the only one on the ward. Jacob isn’t worried, she hears him talk about culling the herd and how he is glad that he doesn’t have to do it himself. The humor, or rather irony, in this situation, escapes Leah.

“The ward” sounds too grand for the oversized room where a few beds are cramped in, sometimes not even separated with curtains. But she feels at peace here. Sometimes if there’s an empty bed, she sleeps in it instead of going back to her bunk. It also makes the way to work exceptionally shorter.  
  
Until Jacob catches her sleeping on the ward one morning. The sky is a light grey, a sign that the sun is about to push itself over the horizon. The exhaustion makes it harder for Leah to open her eyes as the weeks pass, but once she makes out the figure that touched her shoulder seconds ago, her eyes go wide in shock. He’s towering over her at the head of the bed, his face stoic. Leah’s feet turn instantly cold, she can’t look him in the eyes. She knows her cheeks are bright red, the embarrassment sits deeply knotted in her stomach.  
She tries to speak and tell him how sorry she is for being so ungrateful about the bed that Jacob so graciously provides her with by sleeping on the ward but never gets to it. His calloused hand reaches up to the collar of her scrubs that slipped over her tattoo while she was sleeping.  
Leah freezes, she finally knows what it feels like when people talk about a deer in headlights. She expects to be physically disciplined, yelled at, _anything,_ but not Jacob Seed pulling on her collar to expose her sin to him.

Seeming satisfied with what he has found he cocks an eyebrow as Leah continues to stare at him as if he has two heads.

“Get to work.”, he says quietly while turning around and leaving the ward.

He barely catches Leah’s “Yes Sir.”, when he rounds the corner and suppresses the corner of his mouth that threatened to turn into a smile.

\---

When Sam gets brought into the ward for the fifth time in two weeks Leah decides that this can’t continue. She stands over Sam’s bed, his face is contorted in pain, his wrist stuck at an unnatural angle. The presence of the young woman standing behind her, looking over her shoulder makes hot anger claw at her esophagus, because _she’s just always in the way._ Leah was put in charge of training new people because she’s the closest thing the center has to a doctor these days and she almost raises her voice at her but knows better. She decides to start reading the word of the Father again tonight before bed in an effort to lift her spirits again.

Leah sends her off to the supply room to get her something, maybe her tone wasn’t the friendliest, but her nerves are stretched so thin lately that she can’t help herself.  
Leah takes Sam’s arm carefully into her hand to examine his wrist. It is difficult to tell without an X-Ray, but she’s sure it’s broken.

“How did this happen? I feel like I see you more in here than anywhere else. You’re not invincible Sam.”, she sighs under her breath.

Leah knows Sam is a prospect of Jacob’s and she should speak to him in a respectful manner, but again, exhaustion gets the better of her. Sam’s eyes are sunken in and dark, he is fit, but his face tells the story of a man just as tired as Leah is. He’s young, barely past 20, the slight baby chub making his facial features soft, not having disappeared yet, despite his fitness. She curses herself for speaking to him this way when she sees Sam sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose with his healthy hand.

He tells her that the training Jacob is putting them through gets more grueling and taxing as the days go by. He puts them through live fire exercises with half trained Judges on their heels. The wolves have not yet learned to not bite the hand that feeds. And Sam has to jump from great heights and falls out of trees on a regular basis now. He tells her that he’s sorry that he needs so much of her time. His physical abilities may be excellent, but his personality was nothing like Jacob usually trains his Chosen to be. Most of them don’t even acknowledge Leah’s existence on the rare times they’re in the center.

“That’s what I’m here for brother. Don’t worry about it.”

She squeezes his shoulder to make him feel better. He tries not to make a sound when Leah splints his wrist and wraps it tight, plaster is a luxury that she only uses for big and complicated breaks, but little sounds of pain still escape him. 


	3. Chapter 3

The room is dimly lit, only the lamp on the desk pushed against the wall casting shadows on its surroundings. It is colder than usual in here, Leah can’t understand why someone would keep all windows wide open on an evening in October, with the first major temperature drop just a week behind them. She only later finds out why it’s always cold in Jacobs room.

_“Once the heat of the desert settles in your bones, you’ll never get rid of it.”_

Leah should be sleeping right now. The precious free time ticking away by the second. Instead, she stands in the door shifting on her feet. The room is clean and empty. Only a desk with various piles of documents meticulously organized, an old armchair that has a camo-colored jacket draped over it, a dresser and a king-sized bed that seems too big for the sparse room it is part of.

Jacob sits at the desk with his back to her. When she doesn’t move, he turns around. The shadows catch on his scars in the dim light, but Leah’s eyes don’t linger too long.

“Are you growing roots over there? Close the door, we don’t heat this place to warm the animals outside.”

Leah scrambles and pulls the door shut behind her. Maybe a bit too hasty, as she flinches when the door slams shut. She quietly apologizes, Jacob’s face still as stoic as ever. She still doesn’t move, and Jacob furrows his eyebrows. Leah feels exposed, he’s looking through her, she feels like. His eyes scan her head to toe, he looks like as if he’s assessing Leah’s threat level.

She certainly isn’t a threat to him though, he towers over her at least seven inches, his body weight probably doubles hers.

Leah’s thoughts are throwing handsprings on how she can start this conversation, being so busy all throughout the day didn’t give her a chance to think about on how to approach this. It took her a week before she even gathered the courage to seek Jacob out. But standing in the door, frozen like a snowman won’t help anything.

“I’m sorry to disturb you Sir, I know you’re busy. Sam told me where to find you, I just wanted-“

“Talk about being busy coming from you, huh? You’ve got quite the lady-balls to just knock on my door.”

Leah is taken aback by his crude interruption. Jacob rarely talks to the people who are not his soldiers. But he is a Seed after all, he belongs to the family that will lead them to salvation, so Leah thinks nothing of it.

Apparently, she doesn’t answer him fast enough, as he lifts his arms in a gesture of question and raises his eyebrows as if to say, ‘what do you want from me?’.

“I need to talk to you about the people coming onto the ward.”, Leah is surprised at the steadiness of her voice. His presence always somehow makes her unsure of herself.

Jacob’s eyes are still boring into hers and she would be lying if she said she isn’t intimidated by him. She only hears murmurs about the oldest Seed brother from here and there. He’s a veteran of the Marines, ruthless in training his soldiers and equally, if not stricter when it comes to culling the herd. His past is written all over him, the burn scars spanning over the bridge of his nose, the raised streaks of skin on his arms and the slightly red patches of a rash from all the Bliss he handles. Imagining the horrors he has been through are impossible for Leah. Suddenly, she feels for him.

“And?”, his voice is low.

“Sir, I know it is not my place to question your ways, but your men are hurting. I am seeing the same people over and over. Their bodies can’t stand this much.”

It’s Jacobs turn to go quiet. He sits in his chair at least for a minute. Leah doesn’t dare to move a muscle or speak another word.

“And here I thought you’re not one of the soft ones. It’s a shame really. I only ever see you on the ward, you eat there, you sleep there, you know what your job in here is, and you do it well, but what makes you think I give a shit about what you think of how I treat my men, dollface?”, he says as he gets up and takes a couple of steps until he’s so close to Leah that she can read the name on his dog tags. She looks up to him and her ears turn hot. She feels a pull, similar to the Fathers’, emanating from him, but she can’t put her finger on it.

Yes, why did she think he gave a shit? Jacob isn’t afraid to show his devotion to the mission by publicly executing people in front of the Veteran’s Center. Leah doesn’t look away anymore, it’s what has to be done.

But it is her duty to keep the people Jacob chooses healthy, healthy for protecting them from outside threats. And maybe Jacob doesn’t realize what he’s doing, the burden of being the protector, the soldier, has to be so great, Leah’s heart gets heavy thinking about it.

“There will be a time when I can’t fix them anymore. I’m trying my best; I really am Sir. But there will be a time when it’ll be amputations instead of broken bones. Severe head trauma instead of bullet wounds. I can’t fix them anymore. I just want the best for you and your men, I know you protect us.”, Leah sighs as she realizes that she is talking too much, the issue getting her too emotional.

Jacob’s tactic of intimidating her with his intrusiveness works, Leah takes a small step backwards. She thinks about just turning around and leaving, pretending this conversation never took place, but she knows it’s not right. Not right for the people she treats, not right within her own mind.

“This about Sam? The kid gets hurt all the time because he can’t run or climb for shit.”

“No, it’s not about Sam.”, Leah quips back at him.

“As I’ve said before, they’re hurting. There will be a point where their body breaks and I can’t fix them. How will they serve the Father that way?”

Jacob silently laughs under his breath and Leah feels a pang of anger. Doesn’t he care at all about what they’re building here? Does he put these people through all of this for fun? Leah would never dare to speak her thoughts out loud, she almost instantly regrets having them in the first place. And yet, she can’t stop wondering about if she’s right.

“Listen, I am here to cull the herd. Now, the lives of the few outweigh the lives of the many. If those things aren’t ingrained into your head by now you have no chance of surviving the Collapse. If they’re not strong enough to become Chosen, I will sacrifice them, because they are weak. And if your little lover Sam is weak, he is no different than meat.”

A huff nearly gets stuck in Leah’s throat as she throws up her arms in defeat. She’s heard these words a thousand times by now. They’re written all over the compound, the patients on the ward mutter them in their sleep. She knows what must be done. She also knows that there is always a different way.

But Leah has no fight left in her.

The Veteran’s Center is sucking the life out of her, sometimes so much that she secretly wishes the Collapse would come sooner rather than later.

She lets out a deep sigh and decides that she blew her chance.

“I’m sorry for putting my own comfort over the Project, Sir. I will continue to work hard and give the best care to your men I can offer. Please excuse me.”

Jacob’s hand lands on her shoulder before she can turn around. He leans forward and puts his face in front of hers, mere inches away. Leah has no excuse now to not look him in the eyes. The hand on her shoulder is heavy and his scent fills her nose. There’s a little dot of blood or dirt under his left eye, a strand of his neatly combed back hair has fallen into his face.

“I know that you’re trying to help those around you. It’s honorable, but these times are over. You have to realize that only the strong can survive, that’s why I cull the herd. We can’t let the weak be among us.”

Hot shame begins to seep into Leah’s bones, and she knows why. For weeks she has been wound up so tight because she couldn’t admit to herself why she loses sleep no matter how tired she is. It was never a fear for the patients. She always feared that she would be the next sacrifice. The next part of the pack that has to be left behind.

She lowers her head and nods ever so slightly. She feels horrible for it, she really does, but acknowledging that she feared for herself makes her feel light. Her path will continue, and she has to be strong to fulfill her role in the herd.

“You should go to bed now. It’s late, and I know you have a lot on your hands.”, Jacob stands up straight again in front of her, his hand leaving a warm and heavy imprint on Leah’s shoulder when he removes it.

Only later in bed does she realize she wishes he wouldn’t have.


	4. Chapter 4

When the first snow covers the mountains around the Valley of Hope County, a second blanket appears on Leah’s bed.  She asks around if someone is missing theirs or someone from laundry has given her two by accident, but nobody knows anything. She sees the glances that get thrown her way and decides to give the blanket back into laundry. She's sure someone has made a mistake.

It’s the last day of the splint for Sam and he comes onto the ward  seemingly  not excited to get it off. He doesn’t talk to Leah at all, only giving one-word answers to Leah’s questions.

Jacob enters the ward  just  as Leah smiles to herself because the bones have healed  properly. How does he always know where everyone is at all times? He clears his throat and looks between the two. Leah feels Sam’s body tense and his eyes get wide.

“You ready Mitchell? We’re gonna pick up right where we left off. Let’s go.”, Jacob bellows at the young man. Leah can  barely  get out of the way before he scrambles out of the chair and almost runs in Jacob’s direction. She picks up the splint that dropped to the floor from Sam’s lap.  Leah is still fascinated with the obedience all the soldiers show towards Jacob, the dominance over them is almost palpable.

Her thoughts are starting to wander, so she heads to the supply room to check on the new materials that  were delivered  yesterday.  Leah’s thoughts are often wandering these days, she attributes most off it to her brain being on high alert all the time. When she opens the door to inspect the boxes her mouth is agape. Ever since she came to Hope County, she’s never seen so many medical supplies in one place.  And not only the usual stuff they get, the bandages are piling up in one box and she even saw some new scalpels and IV fluids. Leah sends a silent prayer to John, thanking him for his generosity.

\---

Sitting up on her bed, Leah feels like she’s going to pass out. She knows she’s sick. She has felt it creeping up on her for days now. The winter is almost over, and of course she gets sick. The hair in the nape of her neck is sticking to her skin because of all the heat flashes she gets. She feels like her eyes will burst out of her skull any moment. But she has to get up. Stephanie is the only one on the ward who hasn’t gotten sick yet, but it’s only a matter of time.

She makes it through the day, although she feels like she’s in a fever dream. Her breathing  is ragged  and heavy, her limbs feel like they’re made of concrete. Stephanie urges her to rest, begs her even. But Leah presses on, sitting on one of the beds for a minute or two when her legs threaten to give out.  By now she’s sure she has a fever, she’s shivering but sweating at the same time and the pressure in her head, oh the pressure in her head.

The next day isn’t much better, her fever hasn’t broken. Stephanie wants to hook her up to fluids and Leah  really  thinks about it. Before she says yes, the double doors open, and a group of men headed by Jacob enter. They’re accompanied by guards that never once take their guns off the men. Most aren’t here by choice.

Leah feels like throwing up. Why why why is a new batch of recruits coming in today? One of the men eyes her when she lets out an audible groan, she’s too tired to care at this point. Stephanie glances over to her  nervously, Leah hopes her face tells her to take the reins on this one. She prays to the Father and God in her head as she realizes Stephanie won’t do anything.

_Focus, this is a standard procedure. I can do all this through him who gives me strength._

At least Stephanie helps her, directing everyone to a seat and getting everything laid out. Leah’s vision blurs as she takes the blood pressure of the fourth man. She feels herself swaying but catches herself in the last moment. The man eyes her  suspiciously, Leah doesn’t blame him, she caught a glance of herself earlier in the window. She feels Jacob’s eyes on the back of her head. By the time she finishes up with the last man and writes down his numbers she’s drenched in sweat. Her hands are shaking, and Stephanie takes the pen from her. She  faintly  realizes the people shuffling out the doors. She knows she has to give up, her headache makes her want to cry, tears already welling up. But Jacob’s voice behind her makes her wipe her eyes.

Stephanie  silently  asks her if she’s okay with a look and Leah  just  nods. If she’s to do one last thing on earth it’s to speak to Jacob.  She asks Stephanie to get her a cup of tea because if she’s to be weak in front Jacob Seed and suffer the consequences for it, she doesn’t want an audience. The two patients that are on the ward are behind their curtains and most likely sleeping, so she’s on the safe side.

“All their vitals were ok, one guy's blood pressure, uh hold on-“, Leah shuffles through the papers.

“Name’s uh, Smith, his blood pressure was a little elev-“

“What are you doing here looking like this?”, Jacob interrupts her. His face is dark, he looks almost angry.

Leah doesn’t say anything. She has no excuse. If she’s to  be reprimanded, then so be it. She was dumb for trying to start a normal conversation in the first place, as if he wouldn’t realize what’s going on.

“Get to your bunk. You look like shit.”, Jacob finally utters. She isn’t even offended at his remark, he’s right.

“I can’t leave Stephanie, Sir.”, Leah still has hope it will work and she gets to stay. But down inside she knows better.

“And if you get her and everybody else sick, we won’t have anything. Go.”

As Leah wobbles by him he pats her shoulder once, almost throwing her off balance. Her hazy brain thinks of it as a ‘Get well soon’, but she knows Jacob doesn’t do these things.

The hours tick by as Leah fazes in and out of consciousness.  Stephanie comes by in the evening to take her temperature and give her something against her headache. Her sleep is restless, she tosses and turns. She dreams of white wolves and a shadow creeping along on the edge of her vision. She wakes up and  is drenched  in sweat again. It’s still the early hours of the morning and she can only make out light snoring from James two beds down from her.

It’s cold in the showers, but the hot water hitting her aching joints feels like drinking hot cocoa in front of the Christmas tree.  She rinses the sweat off her skin and takes her time washing herself,  mostly  because she wants to enjoy the hot shower, but also because she can’t move any faster without the fear of passing out. At one point she has to sit down on and let the water wash over her.

Her sleep is  marginally  better but still restless.  Someone entering the room wakes her up around noon, but no one’s there when she opens her eyes, everybody is out at work or training. At least someone was so nice to shut the blinds, the only light coming into the room is through the half open door.

Leah almost doesn’t see the bowl and cup on the crate at the foot of her bed. She sits up and realizes the dishes  are filled  with soup and chamomile tea,  respectively. Both are steaming, the fat shimmering on the surface of the soup. The cup stands on a small strip of paper. The handwriting is small, the letters woven into one another.

_You're one of the few._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this far! Also thank you very much for the Kudos and comments, keep them coming, they're super motivating.  
> There is graphic description of violence and death in this chapter, just a heads up!

The darkening sky makes it hard for Leah to see. Thunder rumbles close to them, soft rain on the windows following it. The woman, that usually works in the kitchen, is sucking in the air through her teeth as the needle enters the skin of her arm once again. She utters profanities under her breath as Leah pulls a stitch tight, the black suture in sharp contrast to the woman’s skin. Her brows are knitted together as she leans over the arm, a soft hum on the lips. The long notes of the song fade out before they’re supposed to as Leah runs out of breath.

Her hand twitches as she hears a loud shriek and she accidentally pierces the skin with the needle in the wrong spot. Apologies bubble out of her like a fountain but when she looks up at the woman, she doesn’t see an angry face looking at her. Her eyes are fixed on something across the room.

The blood is slowly pooling in the gaps between the tiles on the floor. It is dark, a sign for dehydration. Or maybe a major vein has been hit, blood flowing out of arteries is usually bright red, oxygen rich. Leah’s brain doesn’t connect the crimson spot on the floor getting bigger and bigger with the person lying next to it. The eyes of the young woman are half closed, her face turned towards Leah. It’s Susie, the girl Leah is training.

Sam stands over her, his hand curled around his hunting knife. The blood dripping off it makes little pitter patter sounds when it hits the tile. His face is empty, eyes staring into nothing. The needle for his fluids is still in the crook of his arm. Sam came in for dehydration after Jacob took his prospects into the field for a week of training to survive on their own.

Susie’s rattling breath resounds through the room. A short twitch shakes her as she starts gargling on her own blood. The woman Leah is stitching up slowly turns her head to look at her while slowly retracting her arm from her in an attempt to get up. Sam’s head snaps up as Susie chokes out her last breath as if it’s a signal to look at them.

“Sam, wha-“

The IV stand falls over with a loud crash as Sam takes big strides across the room in their direction. The woman’s shrill scream is something she remembers for a long time. She takes off practically through Leah with the suture needle dangling from the half open cut, screaming for help. Leah’s back hits the tile, her instruments clinking to the floor and Sam stands over her, arm over his head. Leah puts her hands up in defense as he comes down swinging. Her small frame isn’t strong enough to hold him at bay though. As Leah’s arms give out, she rolls to the side and Sam’s knife catches on her forehead. The pain doesn’t come though, Leah hasn’t been this full of adrenaline in years.

She scrambles to her knees to crawl away and yelps when Sam grabs her foot. Her pants slip over her hips as Sam takes both his hands and starts pulling. She kicks and screams but he doesn’t let up. The cracking of his nose makes Leah cringe as her foot connects with his face. Wide open, but empty eyes stare her down, blood flows over his mouth and trickles down his chin out of his crocked nose. Why is no one coming to help her? The commotion has to have alerted someone.

Sam kneels over her, he smells of old sweat, his breath washing over Leah’s face almost makes her gag. His hair is dirty and matted, he came in right after coming back from training. She tries to wedge her arms between them again, but Sam takes both her wrists with one hand and pins them above her head, Leah cries out as her head slams against the ground from the struggle. Blood is dripping on her face as Sam pushes himself as far up as he can to strike again. Leah’s pleading falls on deaf ears, she knows he doesn’t register anything she says. The only reaction her body has left is noise. She sounds almost hysterical; her shrill screaming bouncing off the white walls.

Sam’s head whips to the side as the bullet rips through it. The carnage splatters on the floor, fragments of bone and brain peppered throughout. The hand on her wrists goes limp along with his whole body. Leah’s hand slips through the gore on the floor as she skitters backwards against a bedframe.

A red film spreads over her vision as blood from her forehead gets into her eye. The same picture is displayed before her, Sam’s eyes are half closed, his mouth is slack, blood streaming out of his ears and the hole in his skull. Bile rises in her throat, but not out of disgust. Death is a regular occurrence in the Veteran’s Center, it’s her companion, looming over her and her brothers and sisters at any given time. She can’t tell all the times corpses have been packed up on a truck and driven away to be fed to the Judges, Leah declaring the time of death for most of them. Yet she has never been so close to death herself, seeing it all the time didn’t prepare her for the feeling when it’s coming to get you.

“What happened here?”, the calm baritone of Jacob’s voice floats through the silent room. Nothing seems to shake him.

Leah’s eyes dart back and forth between Jacob and Sam’s body. Her mind is blank. She now only realizes that it was Jacob who shot him, effectively saving her life. She can’t string a single sentence together, only nonsensical words escape her mouth. Jacob turns around and says something to the two men that are standing by the door, one of them disappears into the supply room and comes back with a hand full of compresses.

“Can you stand?”

Leah looks down at herself. She sits there in her underwear, her scrubs slid down to her knees. Her thighs are smeared in blood, as well as her shirt. It has to be a ridiculous sight Leah thinks, embarrassment seeping through the haze of her shock. She pulls her knees up to her chest in a vain attempt of modesty. Jacob motions the other men to leave.

“Hold on a second.”, Jacob mutters and puts his gun down next to her.

He slips off his jacket and tries to cover Leah with it. He makes little noises of frustration when it slips off her shoulders. Leah’s eyes are fixed on his face, his brows are furrowed as he tries to drape the jacket for a second time. His beard is unkept and his hair is dirty. Various specks of dirt are dotted around his face. He smells of cold earth, pine and something sweet that Leah can’t put her finger on.

Leah takes the jacket out of his hands and stretches out her legs while draping it over her showing skin up to her midriff. Her haze is pierced by the stinging of the cut on her face. She looks down at Jacob’s hands when she hears the loud plastic rustling as he takes a compress out of its packaging and presses it against the cut on her forehead. Her eyes catch on Sam’s body again, the pool of blood has almost reached her feet. Her teeth clatter and the various bits and bobs in her chest pocket do as well. Her body vibrates while her she tries to calm her spasming muscles by clenching her jaw and hands.

Leah groans as Jacob guides the back of her head to the bedframe to put more pressure on the wound. All her focus is on the white pain flashes on her forehead as she looks down at Sam’s body with a blank stare.

“You wanna tell me what happened here now?”, he asks again, his voice still low but with a little more demand in it.

She answers with her face turned straight, seemingly talking to the corpse and not Jacob.

“Sam stabbed Susie in the neck and then tried to kill me.”

Jacob huffs at her answer.

“I’m old, not blind dollface. I wanna know why Sam decided to go Ted Bundy on you.”

“I don’t know.”, Leah’s voice is flat.

Jacob sighs and takes the compress off her head to switch it out with a fresh one. Sam’s blood on her cheeks and nose has already started drying, she feels the tight pull when she moves her face. For a while it’s only the sounds of their breathing and the occasional jingle of Jacob’s tags when he moves. She remembers the first time she sat beside a corpse, the silence almost comforted her. It feels like it was another lifetime ago, nothing comforting stands out to her here.

Feeling is slowly starting to creep back into her limbs and her breathing has somewhat normalized. She puts her arms under the jacket and wiggles the pants up her legs. Jacob stands close by her as she slowly gets up, her hand leaving a bloody print on the bedframe.

She looks up at Jacob with the jacket in her hand, holding it out to hand it back to him. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Suddenly her cheek is pressed against his chest, his right arm carefully wrapping around her shoulders. He is warm, the fabric of his grey shirt soft against her face. Leah’s heart beats in her throat.

“I’m glad you’re okay.”, he mutters in her hair and Leah sees sparks.

His faint heartbeat is throbbing against her cheek while his scent envelopes her. His chest is slowly rising and falling, in contrary to her own breath that has picked up again.

“Get to your room, I’ll get someone to clean this mess up.”, he says before taking the jacket out of her hands and turning around. He steps over Susie’s body and is out the door.  
  
She looks at the door clicking shut, her body feeling cold in the places where Jacob touched her. Her eyes drop to the two bodies, there’s a bloody footprint next to Susie’s head where one of Jacob’s men stepped into the pool. Leah closes her eyes and prays for the both of them.

Stephanie’s brows are raised in concern when she treats Leah’s wound an hour later. Small stings make her flinch as the cut closes under the butterfly bandage. She briefly worries about the scarring, but it’s a better deal than dying, the small cynical part of her brain spouts. Stephanie is quiet, visibly shaken by the event. She hugs her tight before she leaves her again but it’s not like Jacobs embrace. She tries not to think about it.

The story has made rounds in the compound already, some people coming to check in on her. They pray for Sam’s and Susie’s soul together. The pillow only absorbs silent wails when Leah is alone.

She counts the fine stripes of the mattress over her three times before she admits that she won’t find sleep. The room around her is quiet but she hears commotion from outside and figures it’s better than looking at a mattress.  
  
The court is illuminated by torches stuck in the ground, bathing it in a soft orange light. The recruits are in pairs, sparring with each other, Jacob walks among them barking orders, it’s the first time she hears him raise his voice. He seems frustrated, pacing back and forth, a Judge by his side that nips at the men’s heels sometimes, harshly correcting the recruits body positions.

Music swells louder and louder as Jacob raises his arm. Her hand shakes violently on the handle to pull the door shut as the singer belts out the first note. Muffled grunts and groans fill her ears when she sees the recruits curl up in fits on the ground through the gap of the door as she pulls it towards her. Acid burns her throat as she kneels over a trash can.

The notes in Leah’s humming this afternoon were short, but apparently it was enough.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the point where I things got way out of hand, enjoy the roughly 5500 words in this one :)  
> As always, thank you for reading and don't be shy, shoot me a comment of what you think so far!

Her meal sits in front of her. Cold. She looks at it as if staring at it long enough will make her appetite return. The days are blurring into each other, get up, work, go back to bed, food is rarely ever involved in the equation. Sometimes she forces herself, those are the especially bad days. The food sits in her stomach like a rock. She doesn’t deserve food. Doesn’t deserve to eat when she’s responsible for two people never being able to enjoy food again.

The duality between two people dying and her being saved is stuck in Leah’s brain. She can’t be thankful for having survived while two others have died. IV needles make her break out in a cold sweat, she doesn’t allow hunting knifes on the ward anymore. Life has returned to normal shortly after the incident. Mostly out of necessity, Stephanie is capable and the older woman that sometimes helps them always has encouraging words for her, but Stephanie admits to her that she needs the leadership from Leah.

Leah immerses herself in the word of the Father. She spends hours reading the book over and over again, mulling over certain passages. She seeks out her fellow brothers and sisters to pray, she even pulls together the courage to ask the Father in a letter to hold a sermon in the center. His embrace afterwards is warm and long, his words for her devotion fill out the void for a short time. But soon enough, the nightmares return. She dreads to go to bed, sometimes she wanders the quiet center at night when she can’t sit on the ward.

Reflective surfaces make her heart heavy. Her nails are brittle, a constant chill sits in her bones and combing her hair makes her cry more than once as she holds the strands in her hands. It takes a long time, but Stephanie convinces her to run fluids whenever possible. She wants to get better, but her body won’t let her. Sometimes, even the smell of food in the dining hall makes her sick. She always squeezes her eyes shut whenever Stephanie pushes the needle into her arm, immediately covering it with something afterwards.  
  
Jacob’s never seen on the ward anymore, Leah doesn’t see him in general. New recruits are brought in by Jacob’s right hand men. He kept to the back of the room when Joseph held his sermon in the dining hall and only moved to embrace his brother before disappearing again.

\---  
  


The soft lapping of the water on the edge of the lake trickles into Leah’s mind. The little glimmers of the waves catching the light make golden reflections flicker over her face. The leaves of the trees sway back and forth with the wind like they’re inhaling and exhaling. The whistles from the various birds around her sting in her ears like needles. She registers the faint thud of the book slipping from her lap as it falls onto the grass. Blunt and sharp at the same time is the little remnant of tree bark on the stump she leans against.

She doesn’t know how long she’s been out here. Cars and people alike pass her on the road. The dome of darkness in her head opens up the smallest bit and Leah’s consciousness manages to reach out of the hole. The hand made of flesh and blood brushes the ground in search for something. A stone finds its way into it and she begins to feel out every edge and crevasse. Images of book pages flicker in her mind.

_Ground the patient with words.  
Find an object that has only happy memories attached.   
Imagine and focus on a safe environment._

The edge of her vision turns white as her head opens its gates to let everything that surrounds her inside. She blinks a couple of times to put order to everything she sees and to calm her head down from the overstimulation. The rapid rising and falling of her chest is nothing like the calm breeze swaying through the trees. Various strings of thought float around in her head, she doesn’t know which one to grab onto first. The tree stump in her back has become familiar, somehow her feet carry her here as often as they can. Routine comforts her.

It crept into her life without her knowing at first. The cups of tea she constantly makes. Taking walks and sitting by the lake. These things make her feel safe in her mind that has been turned upside down. She can focus on the warmth in her hands and the small noises of the lake.

The moments of being outside of herself are increasing. She thinks she’s asleep when she lies in her bunk only to come to herself knowing that her eyes weren’t closed, and she wasn’t dreaming. They only came at night at first, but they’re seeping into the day and Leah’s terrified. Terrified for the people around her if she can’t function when she needs to.

\---

“Are you, like, really sure though?”

“Yes, Steph. I’m sure. It’s fine, I promise.”

The little authority Leah has over Stephanie is helpful to get her out of the ward for the night.

After all it’s just her and one patient in the back of the ward, already sleeping. It’s a good enough argument to convince Stephanie. The terror at night has her in its clutches, claws sunk deep into her mind. Tea and walks don’t help with that. Every opportunity that presents itself to her to stay awake with a reason, she takes.  
Her back is bent over the desk, her eyes start to strain from the low light of the desk lamp. Silence has enveloped her completely, the small noises from the patient in the back or the nature of Hope County don’t reach her. Her fingers glide over the soft pages of the book, something she does when she wants to make sure what she’s reading ingrains itself into her brain.

_“We will build our fortress and it will be impregnable. Nothing will be able to shake loose the stones cemented in place by our faith.”_

Nothing in her is as strong as her faith. The only thing that has always been there for her, in different forms, albeit. Faith is the only thing keeping her mind together now. Like the words from Joseph say, it is the cement gluing her together, preventing her from completely shattering. But the cracks on the walls inside the fortress get bigger and bigger each day. Every nightmare, every flashback, chips away at her. She’s horrified at the thought of only her faith remaining as a shell in her.

Her neck feels stiff as she lifts her head to the creaking door. There’s a snore behind her as the patient turns in his sleep. The first thing she sees is the brown-green fabric littered with dark brown spots. The red hair follows. He has his back towards her as he steps through the door, making sure to pull it shut without any noise. She feels her face sink as she realizes it’s not a hallucination her scrambled brain came up with. She’s taken to the tactic of shutting out everything revolving around him.  
Whereas she looked after him when he turned away from her, now she looks to the floor and continues doing whatever she’s doing. It dulls the pain a bit if she makes an equal effort to put distance between them. Surprise flashes over his face when he turns around, maybe only for half a second before his features are set in stone again, but Leah sees it. She waits for his next move, she’s positive he’s just going to exit through the door again, it’s clear he’s not seeking Leah. 

His eyes linger on her, he’s looking through her, and frustration builds in Leah’s chest. Her brows knit together involuntarily, it wouldn’t surprise her if they started to grow together from how much the gesture finds its way on her face lately. A familiar pitter patter sound makes her tear her eyes away from his face, looking for the source of the noise. The dim light makes it hard to make out anything specific, all she sees are dark lines and spots littering Jacob’s left arm. Her heart leaps for a moment as she searches for his face again, a silent question in her eyes. It works, as Jacob raises his arm and Leah takes a breath when the small dots oozing blood are brought into the light.

She slides her chair back in a quiet manner and motions to the usual spot where she treats small injuries. A small trail of blood forms behind Jacob, he grunts as he sits in the chair. Leah stands in the small supply room, her ribs seem to shake with the beating of her heart. She knows where everything she needs is, but her arms refuse to reach out. The image of her waking Stephanie crosses her mind, she could disguise it as educational, but it’s a shallow excuse. She bites her cheek to get herself back to focusing.  
Back in the ward, she rolls up a stool and turns on the light over the small metal tray next to the chair. The bite marks look worse than what they probably are. They’re still bleeding, and infection is always something she has to consider in bites, Judges aren’t the cleanest of creatures.

“You have your Tetanus shot?”

Jacob grunts as a response. “You gave it to me, remember?”

She doesn’t. Another thing eating away at her.

Leah’s glad the wound disinfectant masks the smell of Jacob, she knows the scent of him makes her dizzy, she doesn’t want to know how it is after such a long absence. The Judge got him good, getting at least two bites in before it was probably dragged away. Out of the corner of her eye she can see his face scrunch up occasionally as she cleans the wound. He sucks air through his teeth when Leah gets to the inside of the wound and she lets out a quiet apology. Her relief over the masked scent from before fades, as his mere presence makes her emotions stir. The warmth on her cheek she imagines makes her throat tight. His quiet voice on the top of her head makes goosebumps erupt on her arms. Her heart constricts thinking about how he avoids her, the question of ‘Why?’ still gnawing at the back of her mind. She wants to look at him and feel her heart flutter out of excitement, not sadness. Hot tears sting in her eyes, but she grits her teeth and forces the lump in her throat down. She can cry later.

The package of the suture kit seems 10 times louder in the silence around her. Her knuckles pop as she flexes her hands in a vain attempt to make them stop trembling. It’s painful reminder how sometimes only her body is working with patients. She hasn’t hurt anyone. Yet. But right now was one of those times, she forgot to put on gloves before she started. Her hands aren’t dirty but messing up a standard procedure like that isn’t Leah, nor is it up to the standard for herself.

“Fucking Judges.”, Jacob utters as she pierces his skin for the first time.

Leah says nothing and continues to knot up the sutures. If she’s to say something now, she’s sure she’ll burst out in tears, the lump has returned upon Jacob speaking. The room falls silent again. She feels her concentration crumble as she’s navigating the jagged edges of the gashes in the skin. The straw that breaks the camel’s back is Jacob trying to speak again. His mouth opens, two words get out before Leah puts up her hand.

“Please, I’m trying not to fuck this up.”, she whispers strangled.

She often swears these days. Mostly in her mind, but it slips out here and there when she’s especially despairing. The silence doesn’t last that long, however. Of course it doesn’t. Jacob Seed sits in front of her, and she basically just told him to shut the hell up.

“Are you sleeping enough?”

She’s tethering on the edge, his question threatens to throw her off the cliff. Leah scrunches her face to convey simulated confusion about his question. She sleeps enough to function. Her sleep isn’t good nor relaxing. But she sleeps. She lets her facial expression act as her answer.

“You have nightmares, huh? Trouble eating? Feeling nervous?”

The lump in her throat turns into a ball of barbed wire. The sadness turns red and she feels like the anger could pour out of her ears. She’s furious at him exposing her like this. While he goes on and about with his life, Leah wants to be left alone with her suffering.

“Why?”, she evades the obvious answer.

Jacob does his little huff at her answer and immediately let’s out a small, strained noise when Leah forces the needle through his skin harder than she needs to. She finishes up the last stich and cuts the suture.

“I know how you feel.”

Her eyes finally snap up to him. Tired and cold eyes stare at her, shadows under them.

“Why do you care?”, she retorts.

Jacob’s eyes glide her body up and down pointedly. He sits back in the chair and twists his arm, checking out the stitches. His voice is laced with muted irritation at her obvious brattiness.

“You look like someone just pulled you out of gutter. Even my recruits don’t look as bad as you when they start training.”

“Thanks.”, Leah says flatly.

It’s the first time in her life she considers violence, she imagines her fist connecting with his cheek. Does he think telling her about how she looks is going to help her? Before she can make her fantasy a reality and paying the price for it, she rises to fetch some bandages. She feels his eyes follow her through the room until she sits down next to him.

“This is Rivanol, and antiseptic solution. Leave this on for two days, you skin might turn yellow, but that’s nothing to-“

“Listen, I know it fucks with you. Been there, done that. But it’s over. Sam’s dead, he was no use anyways, soft and weak. You have two choices, let it eat you up or leave it behind you. And as far as I can see you’re losing the fight. I could snap you in half, you need to at least eat.”, he takes her arm and demonstratively puts his hand around her upper arm, his fingers touching around it with ease.

Leah physically recoils from him, the touch burns her with the painful awareness of her frail stature. Her features distort in anger. Almighty Jacob Seed with his advice of ‘just letting go’, shit, of course, why didn’t she think of that? The patient in the back of the room lets out a snore again, Leah waits a beat until she’s sure he didn’t wake up and turns back to Jacob.

“Yes, Sam’s dead. And it’s my fault. It’s my fault that Susie died miserably before she turned twenty-one.”, she whispers, barely being able to contain the venom in her voice.

“All because of the fucked up song that you torture your recruits with. How am I supposed to just, “let go”? How am I supposed to leave it behind when I see Sam’s dead eyes stare me down every time I close mine? They died because of _me_. And frankly, Sir, keep your comments about my looks to yourself.”

Leah’s breathing is fast as she stops talking. She wants to hurl so much more words in his face, but she can’t put her pain into words. She balls her fists and grits her teeth when tears start spilling from her eyes. Saying those words out loud makes it real for the first time. She’s responsible, all of this is her fault, and now it’s out in the universe.

A sob wracks Leah’s body, she wipes at her eyes. Jacob sighs when she turns her head to hide the tears.

“What about the song?”, he asks quietly.

“What do you mean ‘what about the song’? You know what I’m talking about. I was humming it and all of a sudden Sam goes crazy. I didn’t mean to, how could I know what it does?”, Leah sobs into her hands, the pain making her whole body numb.

She’s shaking, curling forward into herself, the lines of her spine and ribs visible through the stretched fabric on her back. The storm inside her is blowing full force, forcing everything out of her. She chokes down her sobs, wanting to be quiet. Jacob and the room around her blur into darkness as she sits there and weeps.

“Leah, look at me.”, she almost doesn’t hear him through the ringing in her ears.

She doesn’t care about being strong in front of him anymore, what does it matter. Let her be culled from the herd, it’s a better fate than continuing to live like this. She thinks of home, of her parents and her siblings. She misses them terribly all of a sudden, misses the smell of her mother’s baking that wafted through the house on Sundays. The pain in her chest gets even worse when she remembers how they shunned her. Her mother’s eyes squinted in anger and disgust as Leah tells her what was done to her.  
Her father had said nothing, just sat there, silently staring at her with judging eyes. The shrill voice of her mother rings in her ears, about how she could have done this to the family, done this in front of the Lord. It’s the first time Leah hears her mother swear, various expletives of a sexually degrading manner thrown at her.

For a while it’s just Leah’s quiet wails inside the room. When the river of tears finally stops, she’s just shaking, the occasional hiccup escaping her. She doesn’t dare to look up out of her hands, shame is laced throughout her body.

“Look at me.”, Jacob’s is calm, still unchanged from his usual demeanor.

He softly pries at Leah’s hands. She can’t look at him, she just can’t. She wishes the ground would swallow her whole, her outburst left her burned out. Her head is empty, she’s almost glad for the feeling. Wrung out, but finally at rest. The storm has blown over, now all that’s left is her in the wreckage.  
She wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt she wears under her scrubs to keep her from shivering all the time, even in the rising heat of May.

She sits up, averting her eyes as she sniffles. Leah gets to feel his impatience as he grabs her by the chin to force her head towards him. His foot hooks onto the stool and rolls her towards him.  
  
“It’s not your fault. I don’t train my men to attack each other, Sam was a defect, I knew that. He was on his way to become fodder for the Judges. He was a faulty tool.  
I’m sorry that he took Susie down with him, I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I really am Leah. Had I known that he was that unhinged to go after you just by humming the song he would’ve been meat a long time ago.”

The tears flow again, silent this time. Jacob sighs as he wipes at her cheek with his thumb.

“Stop crying. It’s out of your hands, let your mind follow that freedom. I’ve seen people die countless times, in and out of war. Let me handle the people dying around here. You get wrapped up in it and it destroys you. It almost destroyed me.”

Leah slowly nods and casts her eyes down, his thumb still resting on her cheek. It’s hard for her to imagine anything ever getting to Jacob, maybe that’s the reason he’s always so calm. He’s able to shoot people in the head point blank without batting an eye, she can’t imagine what it takes to come to this point.

“Why did you avoid me this whole time?”, Leah croaks.

Asking the question that constantly sits in the back of her mind is equal parts terrifying and relieving. She doesn’t want an answer, but now it’s out.

His hand slips from her face while he pinches the bridge of his nose. It takes him a while to answer, thinking about it before turning to Leah again.

“I thought Sam attacked you on his own volition for a while. Maybe he just snapped. That’s what happens to the weak. But someone saw you that night at the main entrance. I knew it was the song. It had to be, little soft Sam would never attack without a trigger. I had to force him to hunt animals, he threw up the first time he skinned a deer.”

He turns his face away when he stops speaking, it feels like he’s not done, but doesn’t find the right words. Leah watches his chest rise and fall with another sigh. His façade is cracking, Leah feels it. She got a glimpse of a different Jacob back when Sam and Susie died. But that was once and brief, the only face he puts on usually is the one for his followers.  
Back home, her mother hated it if Leah was ever too soft with her little sister. Said that Leah can coddle her own children too much when she has them. She never perceived her caring nature as a weakness, it’s one of the main reasons she went into nursing. So she takes his hand into hers when he stays silent. It’s big, even when Leah holds it with both of hers, his fingers long and slender, nothing like Leah has imagined. It’s rough, callouses on all major pressure points, his nails are as short as they can be, some are cut back too much.

“I blamed myself, in a way. I don’t know why. What I do here is righteous, I prepare my people for the inevitable. But I never thought it would come back to hurt you of all people. We need you, you keep us healthy, keep us strong. Seeing you waste away from something like this was hard. But I have to focus on what is at hand here. I was wrong for leaving you be. God knows I could’ve used someone when I came back to the States.”

He looks pained, deep lines sitting on his forehead now. Her thumb is drawing circles on the back of his hand. She’s surprised that he hasn’t retracted them yet, Jacob doesn’t seem like the type for physical affection and comfort. Again, the short and almost stiff hug a few weeks ago speaks volumes. It’s also a surprise to Leah that he even admits to blaming himself or apologizing to her, Jacob Seed doesn’t apologize for anything he does, because he knows what’s right. His eyes are absent, he’s not here. Then, as if a switch is flipped, he looks down at his hand enveloped by Leah’s.

“My god look at those tiny things.”, he takes her hands into his, turning them to look from all angles. Leah wishes he wouldn’t, she’s embarrassed for them, dry and cracked, but she enjoys the physical contact too much.

“It’s hard to think you can do so much with them. I’ve never seen anyone fix someone else like you, not even the field medics.”, he strokes his hand up her left arm, his eyes fixed on it. She knows he’s trying to distract her from his demeanor.  
  
Still, the emptiness in Leah’s chest starts to fill up with warmth. She’s weary of the feeling, she’s tried hard to avoid it for months now. She thinks back to all the times he actively turned the other way when he would see her, thinks of the cold distress in her belly. But it spreads into her limbs, tiny threads of heat under her skin where his hands are stroking her. She feels the pull towards him in her chest. Minutes ago, all she saw was red when she looked at him, all of that gone away now, not even an echo left behind. Leah’s mouth drops open slightly as she draws a heavy breath, a little shiver running through her as Jacobs hand travels down her arm again.

“Sir, can I ask you something?”

Jacob looks up from her hand and nods a go ahead to her.

“Where do I go from here? How do you deal with this?”

“A purpose. And you already have yours.”, Jacob looks around the room to emphasize his statement.

One of the few things that Leah has always found comfort in is her work. Eden’s Gate gives her a way to make her purpose matter. Jacob gives her a way. Her legs get pleasantly heavy as the realization settles in that maybe there is hope for her. She makes a promise to herself to hold Sam and Susie in her heart, not letting their passing be in vain.

Speaking of a purpose, the bottle of Rivanol is still sitting on the table, along with the bandages. She pushes herself back a little and reaches out to coat some compresses in the yellow liquid.

“Like I said before, this might stain your skin yellow, but that’s nothing to worry about. Leave this on for two days, then see me or Stephanie so we can change your bandages. If you’d like I can put some on your other arm as well, I’m sure it’ll help with the Bliss rash.”, she’s slipping back into her usual habits, absentmindedly spouting various care instructions to drown out the remaining quivers of pain in her chest.

Jacob laughs lightly while he mutters: “There you are dollface. Thought I would never see your normal self again. I wanna see that pretty face of yours glow again like it did when you first came here.”

Leah shyly smiles while she wraps Jacob’s arms, the heat travelling to her head now, staining her cheeks. If not for herself, she wants to get better for Jacob if it means she gets called pet names by him more often, as selfish as that sounds. Back home she would usually just awkwardly laugh when someone called her pretty, it never mattered to her. But Jacob’s voice calling her dollface or pretty makes Leah hum inside.

The intimate atmosphere they shared has fallen flat, but Leah’s glad she got to experience it in the first place.  
  
She finishes up the bandages on his arms and sits back to admire her work.

“Does anything hurt? Is anything to too tight?”, Leah asks as she gets up and puts the supplies away. She purposefully tries to act normal and nonchalant even though her voice still sounds different from her stuffy nose. She knows the battle begins when she’s alone with her thoughts again.

“Negative, everything feels good.”, Jacob voice has gone back to his usual low, calm manner.

Leah nods to herself. “You want something for pain, Sir?”

She hears Jacob get up behind her by her instruments clinking on the table.

“Stop calling me Sir, unless we’re playing mommy and daddy, my name’s Jacob.”

Her eyes go wide as she tries to swallow down her surprise. She knows Jacob isn’t really the person for tact, but it still catches her off guard. Thankfully she has her back to him putting the bottle on the shelf. All she can muster is a small ‘uh-huh’ to let him know she heard him. It’s always been a mystery to how Leah’s brain fires so rapidly all the time. Moments ago, she had a full on panic attack in front of the biggest Darwinist she knows, next thing she knows her legs tingle with the thought of Jacob on top of her, making his crude comment a reality.

She tries to fiddle with something until she’s sure that the redness in her face has gone down. She knows Jacob is still looking at her, she has a strange talent for feeling his burning stares. She sighs when he tells her to turn around and look at him for the third time this night. She reluctantly obliges, knowing full well she’s still red as a beet.

“Are you going to be okay?”, there’s a hint of concern in his voice.

She nods. She has no idea where to start. But says nothing.

“Stop lying to me.”

Leah shifts around, awkwardly playing with a strand of her hair. It falls over her chest with ease now, Leah never realized how long it’s gotten until now.

“What do you want me to say Jacob?”, a cold wave washes over Leah’s body, all the heat draining from her face.

“It wasn’t your fault.”, he steps closer to her. Leah has the shelf in her back, nowhere to go.

She shrinks as Jacob plants himself in front of her, seemingly taller and broader than ever before.

“Don’t go soft on me Leah. Not you. Promise me.”

His stare is scorching, Leah’s caught in his eyes, unable to look away. She nods carefully again. His obsession with strength is strange to Leah. She was taught all her life to relinquish herself and let God take her where she’s supposed to go. Jacob listens to no one, except the Father. She wonders why Jacob is so hell bent on exactly _her_ staying strong, is it his conscience making him do it because he blames himself? Or at least did?

Goosebumps erupt on her skin again as Jacob’s hand slips into her hair, holding her by the back of the neck. He’s so close to her, she feels his breath wash over her face, a hint of mint on it. A sigh leaves him when their foreheads touch. His other hand joins the first behind Leah’s head, effectively holding her in place.  
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, the physical contact grounds her for the first time in weeks.

“Steph is going to be here soon.”, Leah whispers.

She really doesn’t want him to pull away, but the sky is already turning a light gray. There are murmurs here and there of the center slowly waking up.

“Come here.”, Jacob’s voice is low and breathy as he pulls her into an embrace.

Her cheek is once again pressed against his chest, his heartbeat thumping soft under his shirt. Leah’s hesitant to wrap her arms around his waist, but he holds her tight with both arms, and she sees it as a sign to be a little bolder this time around. She feels wrung out, her muscles ache from what feels like weeks of being tense. Leaning against Jacob feels like slipping into a hot bathtub on a winter’s day. But Leah also can’t ignore the quiver of want in her gut. His scent does something to her she can’t describe, the pull emanating from him gets stronger every time Leah sees him. The voice in the back of her head scolds and shames her every time she notices it. But she can’t help herself. 

“Never thought I would enjoy hugs in my old days.”, he murmurs into her hair.

“What are you talking about? You don’t look a day over 50.”, Leah remarks, smiling to herself.

The laugh rumbles deep in his chest. The coil in her belly tightens.

He pushes her back by her shoulders to look at her. At first she feels sad about losing contact, but the small smile on his face makes up for it.

“Where has that mouth been hiding all this time?”

She thinks back to the first day she stood in front of Jacob. Where John intimidated her with his speaking and borderline fanaticism, Jacob made her feel insignificant with just his sheer size and demeanor. When he spoke to her the first time she only squeaked back at him. Now, a year later, he feels familiar, the jingle of the various pendants around his neck sounds like the windchime on Leah’s old balcony in Chicago, his dark and rich scent replaces the earth of her little family of plants on the windowsill, by now probably dead and thrown out by her mother.

Leah shrugs. “I’d like to think I’m pretty funny sometimes.”

A sheepish smile erupts on Leah’s face and Jacob shakes his head.

Leah hears the patient in the back stirring and yawning, he’s definitely waking up now. She leans to the side to look past Jacob to see if the curtains are moving already, but Jacob straightens her out again. The confused look on her face changes into one of surprise as Jacob puts a hand on the back of her head and places a kiss on her forehead. It’s really more of a short peck, but the electricity surging through her body makes her oblivious to it.

He leans down to her ear and whispers: “Hold on to your humor, I like it.”

The patient peeks his head out of the curtain three seconds after the door has closed behind Jacob and only sees Leah’s back turned to him as she sorts something on the shelf. She can’t hide her smile as she turns around to greet him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like this chapter at all, but I'm not gonna rewrite it for a third time, so enjoy!  
> Thank you for reading!

Leah tucks a strand of hair behind her ear that has fallen out of her ponytail for the third time. The air is so thick and stuffy that you could cut it with a knife. She reaches for the wet cloth that hangs over the edge of the sink to cool her neck and face. Summer is in full swing and everybody’s feeling it. The people are sluggish, everyone moving in slow motion.  
Leah runs the washcloth along her arms and sighs for the short relief. Her body functions even less with these temperatures, the strain on her malnourished body is hard enough. In an effort to try and see the positive side of things more, she tells herself that she’s not cold all the time anymore. Soup and bread is the only thing she can arrange herself with right now but ingesting hot liquid isn’t something she’s particularly looking forward to currently.

“I wish we had a pool or something, maybe you can ask Jacob to fill the fountain outside.”, Stephanie drawls out in her accent, sitting in a chair, her head leaning backwards.

Traffic on the ward has become slow, they both organized the supplies twice by now, all the documents are in order, and if they sanitize their tools again Leah’s sure they will become see-through. She leans against the sink, shooting Stephanie a look.

“Go ask him yourself if it’s something you want. I don’t think he’s even here, I haven’t seen him in a week.”, Leah answers, twisting her ponytail into a bun.

“I don’t know, you seem familiar. He kind of scares me sometimes if I’m honest with you.”, Stephanie says, her head still bent backwards.

Leah hums as a response and throws the washcloth over to Stephanie. It is absolutely a ploy to end this conversation before it takes a turn Leah doesn’t want to. The cloth lands on her chest with a wet ‘splat’ and Stephanie yells out in surprise. Their eyes meet for a second before they both burst out laughing. Stephanie has a deep, yelping laugh, her eyes crinkle almost shut, all of her teeth are showing. Leah’s own laugh catches in her throat when the washcloth lands directly in her face, Stephanie’s grows even louder when she sees Leah’s dumbfounded face. She puts the cloth back into the sink and wipes at her face, still giggling.

“A pool would be really nice, though. Maybe even just a kiddie pool to sit in. Oh my gosh, that would be like heaven.”, Leah sighs.

“Did you have a pool back where you came from?”, Stephanie’s tone is careful.

“Yeah, it even doubled as an indoor pool in the winter because it was inside of a conservatory. I rarely ever used it though, Chicago’s not really that hot all year round.”

She sits down on a bed opposite to Stephanie, she looks at her like she’s a Christmas present.

“You’re from Chicago? Wow, I’ve always wanted to go to a big city. I’ve lived in a small town all my life.”, she thoughtfully says.

Leah nods: “A suburb, yeah. It’s not as great as you imagine, it’s just crowded, dirty and loud. Oh, and not to mention windy. It really deserves that name.”, Leah shivers as she thinks back to the cold walks to the church in winter.

The realization that Leah knows so little about Stephanie leaves a bitter taste in her mouth, no personal affairs are exchanged when they’re working together. She’s fond of her, nonetheless. Her good intentions and positive outlook on life make up for the naivety she exhibits. But she’s the only constant in her life. Leah was annoyed at her for constantly offering her bites off her food and asking her every day how she’s doing. Saying that it completely doesn’t anymore is a flat out lie, but Leah can appreciate the thought behind it now.

“Why’d you come to Hope County, Steph?”, Leah asks wiping at a spot on her scrubs.

“We were one of the first people to join the Father. We travelled all the way to Hope County with them from Georgia. My father is in the compound of the Father, he’s a doctor. My mother cooks on John’s ranch. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them, I really miss them.”, she averts her gaze in thought. Leah nods with wide eyes as she has the aha-moment for Stephanie’s skills.

“What made you come all the way here from Chicago?”, Stephanie inquires.

And there is the dreaded question. She knew it would pop up at some point. Shame makes her ears turn hot as she thinks about telling Stephanie the truth. She rolls the fabric of her scrubs around in her hands some more before telling Stephanie: “After I got my NP license, I just, uh, wanted to go somewhere I could help people, you know?”, a small smile plays around her mouth.

“Turns out it was fate when I met the Father for the first time.”

Leah’s glad when Stephanie just asks about her degree and doesn’t question her family background more. Leah learns that Stephanie is a few years younger than her. It feels good to just talk to someone, it takes her mind off of things, for a little while at least. The people in the Veteran’s Center are friendly, some more than others, the guards are especially grumpy all the time. But Leah is happy about the friendship blossoming between her and Stephanie.

It’s Leah’s turn to keep night watch today, Stephanie would usually go to the dining hall and eat there while Leah eats on the ward, but she insists that she’d get them both food to eat together. Eating with somebody else helps Leah not to get lost in her thoughts as much, being able to focus more on the food in front of her. She doesn’t feel hungry though, staring at her bowl of mashed potatoes. She still regularly skips meals, just because she sometimes doesn’t have the strength to fight her demons. It’s hard to put a spoon past her lips today, the meal is bland, and the texture isn’t her favorite. 

Stephanie regularly encourages Leah, she’s really just eating for her. By the end, her bowl is half empty. She feels incredibly full, but not sick like she usually would be. She takes it as a sign of betterment and smiles at Stephanie when she gives her the bowl to take back to the dining hall. As soon as Stephanie is through the door, she slides down her chair and sighs at her full stomach. She hopes no one needs her to run anywhere tonight.

The night is uneventful, which is good, because the humidity sits on Leah’s shoulders. She lays on a bed on the ward, all limbs stretched away from her. Her baby hairs are stuck to her forehead and she has to peel her scrubs from her back when she gets up as Stefanie comes in the morning. She needs to sleep a couple hours before returning to the ward in the afternoon for her next night shift. Her sleep has been better as of late, she doesn’t dread to go to bed anymore but the occasional hard night still weighs her down. After a quick rinse in the shower to at least get the sheen of sweat off her skin, she slips into bed. James, that occupies the bunk next to her, makes fun of her for still using her blanket, but no matter how hot it gets, her blanket has to cover some part of her body, otherwise she won’t sleep.

She dreams of Susie and Sam again, it’s the same as always. They stand in a wide-open field, the foggy plane stretching on for miles around them. All the sounds she should hear are absent, deer graze around her, the trees sway back and forth, but it’s quiet in her head. Dead eyes bore into hers as they stand in front of her. Her throat hurts from screaming at them, apologizing, pleading with them. Hours pass as Leah is frozen in place by her feet. The white fog rises around her as Susie starts crying, Sam putting his arm around her for comfort.

Leah doesn’t know whether to count herself lucky or not as she’s rattled awake by someone violently shaking her by the shoulder. It feels like she closed her eyes mere minutes ago, jolting awake makes her feel like a block of cement on her body weighs her down. The man yells at her to get up, there’s an emergency. Something in Leah’s brain switches and she’s awake. The man continues to yell at her to hurry up, one foot already out the door. There’s no time to properly get dressed, but what choice does she have? She runs after the man, her bare feet patter on the floor.

Upon entering the ward, a gruesome scene greets her. Three men are standing around, holding various bleeding body parts of theirs. Two men are in bed opposite from each other, Stephanie standing over the man on the right side, pressing a mountain of cloth onto his abdomen. The cloth is already soaked, blood spilling down the sides of the man’s body. He’s conscious, wailing as Stephanie grabs more gauze and continues to put pressure on the wound. Her head snaps up as Leah approaches her, all color drained from her face and her eyes ripped open in fear. Leah tells the men to sit down wherever they can and take some gauze to help with their bleeding, the fact that they’re all still standing and lucid pushes them down on the priority list.

“Steph, what’s going on?”, Leah asks her as calm as she can. Stephanie doesn’t respond.

She has to put a hand on Stephanie’s shoulder to get her attention away from the man under her hands.

“I don’t know Leah, oh god, I don’t know. They barge in here with these two, saying they’re dying. They got attacked, said something about Whitetails, there was a car crash. Jacob’s still on his way back, the other two cars are okay supposedly. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, this one has a big laceration on his abdomen, he won’t stop bleeding.”, she sounds frantic, her eyes are filled with tears.

Leah tells her to keep putting pressure on the wound and turns around to take a look at the other man. The doors crash open and Jacob walks into the room, the look on his face grave. He looks fine as far as Leah can tell, but the calm rage he exudes is tangible. His hands are balled into fists, his jaw is clenched shut. He asks about the men that have been hurt. The men sitting on the ward all avert their gazes, but one tells him what happened to the two. Every inch of exposed skin feels like one too much when Jacob looks back to her. The heat forces Leah to sleep in shorts and a tank top. She pushes the thought out of her head, there’s something more important than her modesty under her hands, and feels for a pulse. She doesn’t find one.

“What happened?”, Leah calls out to him as she bends down to listen for a heartbeat.

“Ambush.”, he bites through his teeth.

Leah carefully overstretches the head of the unconscious man to listen for a breath. She puts her cheek over his mouth and looks at his chest to feel and listen for breathing sounds. Nothing. Her own pulse rises. She can’t leave him, and Stephanie can’t walk away from the bed either. So, she does the next best thing that comes to her mind.

“Jacob, go into the supply room and get the Ambu-Bag, it’s a big plastic sort of bubble with a mask. We need to resuscitate him.”

Leah opens the mouth of the patient and looks for anything obstructing the airways. Jacob is by her side just as she sticks her hand into the man’s mouth to pull his tongue, that has flipped back into his esophagus, into the right position. She climbs onto the bed with the man, her right knee lining up the man’s shoulder.

She looks up at Jacob, his face is still dark. She orders him to step behind the bed, almost tumbling off it when Jacob makes space for him by pushing said bed off the wall with one swift motion. It feels strange telling him what to do, but in this situation it’s what has to be done.

“Place the mask on his face and hold it down firmly. Put your fingers in a C-shape, like this.”, Leah motions the grip to him. She’s fully clued in now, slotting back into an old, but familiar pattern of behavior for her.

“Be careful that you don’t break his nose but hold it down firmly. I’m going to compress his chest 30 times, then you have to press the bag together for a good second and release it slowly, do that two times, okay?”

He only nods at her, and she sees his eyes flash across her body. Her mind doesn’t allow her to explore that thought further. She starts compressing the man’s chest, she struggles to get the compressions deep enough, even though she puts her whole body weight into them. After counting to 30 out loud she stops and turns her head towards Jacob. He does what she told him to, the man’s chest rising and falling two times. She continues with the compressions, her arms feeling tired already.

Jacob has just finished ventilating the patient for the third time when Stephanie cries out to her, her voice full of panic.

“Leah it’s not stopping, I can’t stop the bleeding. What do I do? What do I do, oh God help me!”

Leah closes her eyes and mentally goes through everything she knows. When Stephanie cries out at her again, she turns her head.

“Don’t you panic now Stephanie. Deep breaths. Has it gone down?”, she struggles to speak and keep up with the counting of compressions in her head.

Stephanie tries to lift the gauze and Leah shouts at her: “No no no, don’t take them off, you’ll rip open the wound! Is it still spilling out the sides?”

Jacob squeezes the bag for the fourth time. Stephanie bends over to the other side of the man that has lost consciousness by now. His skin is an ashy pale color.

“I don’t know. Leah you need to help me, I can’t do this.”, Stephanie’s crying by now.

“Stephanie, Jacob, switch places.”

Jacob immediately steps away from the Ambu-bag and takes three big strides over towards Stephanie. Stephanie is hesitant to take her hands of the gauze, but Jacob pushes her out of the way unceremoniously. Leah yells at her to get over to her, the stress of the man under her hands still not breathing is starting to get to her. She takes the bag into her shaking hands just as Leah finishes the set of compressions. Leah glances to Jacob, he’s a still as a statue, his gaze firmly set on his hands.

It takes them two more sets of compressions and ventilation until the man slowly starts breathing again. Stephanie’s sigh of relief is loud and resounding, immediately falling into prayer as she takes the bag off the man’s face. Leah slumps into herself as her hands leave the man’s chest. It’s over. For now. She over-exerted her muscles to the point where her arms twitch and shake, but he’s alive. Stephanie rushes to the supply room for the medication, squeezing Leah’s shoulder as she passes by her.

Her eyes take in the room around her, Jacob looks like he’s made out of marble, still pressing down onto the man’s abdomen. The men sitting around all stare at her, except for the one picking at his arm. Leah tells him to stop but he continues on as if she wasn’t there.

“You want to die of sepsis? Get your filthy hands off that wound!”, Leah’s voice sounds so sharp that it surprises her. She sees Jacob’s head turn towards her in her peripheral vision, Stephanie shoots her a concerned glare as she puts up the IV. The man gives her a dirty look but puts his hand down. She pinches the bridge of her nose and climbs off the bed to look at the other man.

Jacob steps aside to let her assess the man’s injury. He’s so close behind her that she can feel his body heat emanating off him. She lightly bumps into him when she carefully peels back the gauze.

“You okay?”, he whispers, his voice like gravel.

Leah nods. The last thing she needs right now is Jacob Seed making her nervous with his body so close to her.

“Can you fetch me some cotton swabs and a glass of water please?”, Leah asks, still peeling at the gauze.

She thinks a lot about his body lately. About how it feels against hers, the taut strain of muscles underneath his shirt. Jacob’s in his forties, but his body is still a weapon. She imagines his big hands on her body, the rough feeling of them roaming on her, how they would tangle in her hair, pulling her head back to get access to her neck. She can almost feel his beard scratching against it, leaving red marks. Goosebumps erupt on her arms and a shiver runs through her.  
She shakes her head to clear her thoughts. They vanish but her body still feels the echo of her fantasy. She’s over being ashamed of it. For hours she would mull around if she should seek someone to confess to, but she sure as hell isn’t going back to John, so she just accepts the fact that Jacob makes her feel like this.

Said man comes back with what she asked for and sets everything down on the table beside the bed. Leah thanks him quietly. After all the commotion, she’s glad that she’s in such light clothing, already starting to cool off. She picks up a cotton swab and generously wets it to peel the gauze of the crusted blood on the edge of the wound.

“He’s lost a lot of blood. I have no way of telling if he’s bleeding internally. He might not make it.”, she utters while dabbing around the wound.

“Leah, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know what to do, I needed your help, I didn’t mean for it to get this bad.”, Stephanie mumbles.

“You did everything correct Steph. Don’t be sorry.”

The rest of the gauze peels off easily and Leah can finally see the magnitude of the injury. It’s a deep cut, but not deep enough to hit organs or cut the peritoneum.

She has to stitch the inside of the wound first, praying that they still have absorbable sutures. The only thing concerning her is the blood loss. He needs a transfusion, but they don’t have a blood supply at the center.

“This shit fucking hurts, hurry the hell up man”, it’s the man from before that was picking at his bullet wound.

Stephanie starts to rise but Leah signals her with her hand to sit back down. This doesn’t fly, not on her ward, not when she just saved someone.

“You stay there and watch him.”, she calmly tells her. She turns back to the man to tell him off, but Jacob beats her to it.

“You want another bullet lodged in that arm Miller? Shut the fuck up.”, the tone of his voice is a calm sea when he speaks but the storm is brewing on the horizon. Leah’s certain the not-so-subtle threat would turn real if Miller said something in the same vein again.

The man lowers his head, mumbling an apology.

Jacob gets called by someone just as Leah gets to work on Millers arm. She doesn’t see Jacob’s face when he walks past them, but the way Miller swallows tells Leah all she needs to know. Most of the men have a varying number of bullets in their bodies, but nothing life threatening. None of them speak a word to Leah. The bullets clank in the metal dish as Leah walks towards the trash can to throw them out.

The door falls into place behind the last man leaving the room, and it’s quiet again. The bed creaks when Leah’s body falls onto it hard. She shields her face with her hands and sighs into them, the tension flowing out of her with her breath. Her light blue top has blood stains all over it, her hair falls around her face, stringy and tangled. She squirms, the clammy sheen of sweat makes her uncomfortable. Stephanie looks spent as well, the dark stains on her scrubs are less visible on the dark blue fabric slumped around her shoulders. She rubs at her eyes as the setting sun drapes an orange curtain of light over the room. She can’t recall the last time she resuscitated someone, but the feeling that envelopes her is familiar.

Neither Leah nor Stephanie speak, but there’s no need for words between them. The shared feelings tie them together as they look at each other with the two men between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The peritoneum is a membrane that covers the abdominal organs, lined with blood vessels and nerves, don't google what it looks like :-)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone, after almost eating myself to death I'm back with another chapter as a little present for you :-)
> 
> As always, comments and Kudos are very much appreciated, they are super motivating!

The hall buzzes with the hum of low voices. Specks of dust dance in the pillars of light that fall through the windows, the sun is on its way to sink behind the mountains. The plastic chair creaks with every small move, as if it’s wailing at every shift Leah makes. She’s been sitting here too long. The room is sweltering, thick and stuffy air penetrates every small nook and cranny. A sheen of sweat glimmers on the back of her hand after she wipes her forehead. Pain pricks in her shoulders, slowly extending its scratches upwards to her neck. She wonders if there will be a point in time where she doesn’t hurt. Mentally or physically.

The call for a gathering came unexpected, Leah leaned over Fisher, the man that almost bled out, when the door swung open and someone barked at them to come to the dining hall. Stephanie’s eyes searched for Leah’s and they both knew. Leah’s never been good at games, so when Stephanie’s paper wraps around Leah’s stone she groans.

“Next chocolate that you get your hands on goes to me.”, Leah had said as Stephanie giggled.

The knees of the men beside her seem to ever get closer to hers, she’s shrinking herself as much as possible. Their elbows and shoulders constantly bump her from them talking so animated with their neighbors. Little sparks flash in the darkness as she clenches her eyes shut. The clock ticks slow, as if it’s taunting her. Next time she’ll just send Stephanie, no more rock, paper, scissors.

“My children.”

Silence. No more voices or extremities bumping into her.

His body rises in front of the crowd as he steps on the table. Her back straightens out by itself, her head held high and her shoulders back. The Father deserves nothing but undivided attention. A flash of yellow momentarily blinds Leah as the sunlight catches on the glass of his aviators. The rosary swings back and forth as he lifts his arms in a greeting. His lean frame is clothed in a pristine white shirt and a black vest. Why the Father, usually exposed from the waist up, wears a dress shirt, no less a vest, in the height of summer escapes her. But it doesn’t matter anyways as he addresses them.

“My children, I am glad to see most of you safe and sound. I have been made aware of a band of sinners in our midst.”

He turns his head slightly to the right, to Jacobs position on the wall. When did he get here?

“You know that being part of Eden’s Gate, this family, is to struggle. Struggle against yourself and those who do not know what is upon us. And they will wish to harm us, to destroy all that we have built here together. They are blind.”

Low murmurs erupt amongst the crowd, heads nodding. The man to the left of Leah whispers under his breath.

“Souls do not harvest themselves. It is your duty to make them see, if they want to or not. Rise up against these sinners under the hand of Jacob. Protect all that is ours here. And when The Collapse is upon us, we will march together, God will guide us.”

Shouts of agreement reverb through the room, some stand up and throw up their hands. A string of praises flows around her ears and she can’t help but join into them. Now that she’s amongst her people, she’s glad she came. A smile finds its way onto her lips, one that lights up her whole face, the Father ignites a spark in her. Said man extends his hand towards Jacob that immediately makes his way to the front of the room. He doesn’t elevate himself, instead addressing the people standing next to the table.

Leah’s heart jumps in her throat when he starts speaking. The way his steady voice booms through the room plays her strings until her body hums. Being one out of many people sitting in the dining hall, she has the chance to take in every detail about him without it seeming obvious. The black shirt he wears strains around his bicep, it’s not his size, just long enough to cover his belt buckle. His jacket is missing, not a surprise in these temperatures. The shadows under his eyes are bigger, his undercut needs a trim. Even from this far back she can see his eyes darting around the room as he speaks.

“You are strong enough, this is what you trained for. We don’t know how many they are, or what resources they have. But what we do know is that they are cowards. And we will find them.”

He rakes a hand through his beard and looks at his brother.

“You are my right hand, and when the time comes, you will crush the Whitetail, with one blow. Remember your training, cull the weak. This is the will of the Father.”

The voices around her get loud again, people are standing up, cheering. The Father is embraced by people waiting for him when he steps down from the table. Leah worms her way through the row of chairs, thinking about if she should go up to the Father. She shifts on her feet next to the chairs, the cluster around the Father gets bigger. Maybe not today. Stephanie is waiting for her, and she wants to tell her everything she heard.

She lets her gaze wander around the room one last time, people are standing in groups, most are waiting on a chance to talk to the Father. Jacob hasn’t moved from next to the table. His head is turned towards his brother surrounded by people, a look in his eyes Leah doesn’t know. Leah doesn’t realize she’s staring until their eyes meet across the room. The symphony in Leah’s body swells again, an orchestra of strings and vibrations. His face doesn’t change when a small smile plays on her lips, though. If anything, he looks concerned, his arms crossed in front of him. The conductor in her body has disappeared, the orchestra is playing cluttered and all over the place.

Leah takes it as a sign to slip out the dining hall through the door in the back. Her mind goes back to the embrace again, the soft shirt against her face, his arms around her body. It’s a fixed point in time for her. Every feeling has burned itself into her mind, she thinks about it too much. She’s taken it as a sign of Jacob opening up ever so slightly. But now she’s not so sure anymore. He’s busy, his life’s work is laying out in front of him, there’s no time for fond gazes or touches. But it still stings that whenever his eyes linger on her they’re hard, he’s always staring through her.

The door to the ward swings open under her touch, the familiar smell of alcohol greets her. Dread claws its way up her throat when she lays eyes on Stephanie. The figure on the bed before her is covered by the bed sheet as she sits by his side. Her head hangs, shoulders slumped as she cradles the hand that peeks out from under the sheet. The low sound of a song from the dining hall travels into the room.

Her feet carry her to Stephanie’s side, where she places a hand on her shoulder tentatively. Stephanie’s head doesn’t move, all she manages is a sigh. Leah has had the nagging feeling that Fisher wouldn’t make it, his condition worsened tremendously over the past two days.

“He had a seizure.”, Stephanie’s voice is small and quiet.

Leah crouches down next to her, placing her hand on her knee.

“He’s free from pain now. We did everything we could.”

Their hands interlace in prayer. Both are still as they silently say goodbye in their own way. As the last notes of the song from the dining hall fade out, their hands leave each other’s. Leah rubs Stephanie’s shoulder again when she gets up to fetch some documents. The fact that Jacob makes them keep record of every person that passes through the center can be tedious sometimes. But it makes sense. 

Leah peels back the sheet covering Fisher’s face to look at him one last time before she’s going to report his passing. His mouth is slightly open, Leah’s heart sinks at the purple sheen of his lips. Even in his last moments he was tormented, not even a peaceful death was granted to him. He’s about the same age as Jacob, but the deep lines on his face and dark shadows under his eyes age him significantly. Leah covers his face again when Stephanie returns with the documents.

Fisher had a family. A family that he left behind for Eden’s Gate. A small daughter and a wife. A former recon Marine. Deemed unfit for service after his second deployment, recruited by Jacob as one of the first Chosen. The writing on the document is small, letters woven into each other, it stands in stark contrast to Leah’s own handwriting. Her pen scratches over the paper as she fills in his time and cause of death. She skims the paper for anything she might’ve missed as Stephanie sucks in a sharp breath next to her.

Her eyes catch in the yellow glass of the aviators again. The last beam of the setting sun illuminates a small circle on the floor in front of his feet. She hadn’t noticed the quilted stitch of his vest from her position in the dining hall. The upturned corners of his mouth fall as he casts his eyes down to the form on the bed. The light travels from his hands, up his arms as he walks through the cone of light toward them. Leah can’t tear her eyes off him. It’s been a long time since they were this close together, but nothing’s changed from her initial feelings. Stephanie’s labored breathing is the only sound she hears for a while as she gazes upon the Father’s hands over the covered body.

“Was he alone while he passed?”, his voice is soft and low.

Stephanie’s nervousness is so palpable that it almost rubs off on Leah as she’s not sure if she should speak. It’s clear that Stephanie is frozen in place, Leah hears her trying to speak for several times, she doesn’t know what to say as she chokes down her words before they leave her mouth.

“Stephanie was with him Father.”, Leah answers him.

He places his hands on the sheet now and lowers his head in silent prayer. Leah averts her gaze. It feels like she’s intruding on something deeply personal by looking at him. A familiar clanking of metal draws her eyes towards it. Jacob’s arms are folded in front of his chest, the rash on his arms is getting worse again. His eyes linger on the Father, brows knitted together. He’s recently taken a shower, the ends of his hair are still wet.

The Father raises his head and looks between Stephanie and Leah, a somber smile finds its way back onto his face.

“It pains me so much every time one of my children has to leave us early. I’ve failed to protect them. They will never see the new world.”

Jacob clicks his tongue and steps forward with his hand outstretched. Leah doesn’t register that he wants the clipboard that’s still in her hands until he harshly motions her to give it to him. His eyes scan the paper, and his frown gets deeper. A pit is forming in her stomach when he speaks.

“Suffocation? What do you mean he died of suffocation? You couldn’t prevent that?”, his voice swells louder with every word he says.

Stephanie tries to say something, but again, the words get stuck in her throat. Leah turns to her. She’s gone pale, eyes wide as she stammers. Jacob stares her down like she’s nothing but prey, ready for slaughter.

“I asked you a question.”, he spits at her.

The pit gets deeper. Jacob never gets angry. If he does, it doesn’t show. But his usual calm behavior is falling off of him and Leah is taken back to the day she had to leave her home. She wants to shrink, make herself as small as possible so she presents no surface to attack. Jacob isn’t even talking to her, but his raised voice makes all her alarm bells shriek. That’s no comparison to Stephanie, though.

Her hands tremble as she continues on to stammer. Her eyes glisten with tears, it won’t be long until they spill onto her cheeks. A strangled sob leaves her as Jacob takes a step towards her, his hand with the clipboard in it raised.

“Why the fuck do I keep you here if you can’t save someone from something as simple as that, huh?”, Leah’s eyes go wide at him, his voice is edging on a full blown scream.

Her inner voice tells her to do something, protect Stephanie, speak up. There was no saving Fisher, Leah knows. You can’t do very much for someone having a seizure, just watch and make sure they don’t hurt themselves. Leah feels flashes of anger in herself now, this isn’t fair towards Stephanie.

The Father and Leah move in synch as Jacob takes another big step towards the trembling form of Stephanie. The hand of the Father is outstretched before Jacob, not touching or holding him back, but as a blockade, nonetheless. Leah steps in between them, her face upturned at Jacob in a demonstration of defiance. His eyes are slits, the blue in them barely visible.

“A seizure made him suffocate. There was nothing she could’ve done.”, Leah bites out.

How dare he blame Stephanie for Fisher’s death? What does he know?

Stephanie blurts out a string of apologies behind her, hiccupping and sniffling. The Father comes to Jacob’s side and lowers his arm with his hand. He’s still staring Leah down when he throws the clipboard on top of Fisher’s body. His stare is scorching, it silently tells Leah that this isn’t over yet and she has overstepped a boundary. She disrespected him in front of his brother, Jacob doesn’t take lightly to insubordination. Leah’s seen people punished for less.  
The Father turns to Stephanie and addresses her with a calm voice.

“We don’t take the work you do here for granted my child. I know you did your best. Your father speaks very highly of you, don’t cry.”

She makes a small noise at the mention of her father and wipes her eyes, Leah knows she misses him dearly.

“And you-“, he speaks to Leah.

“Look at what you have become, I still remember the night you sought out my family, so lost and broken. God guided you towards me so you can look after my flock in ways that I can’t, we are so thankful for you my child.”

A light surges through Leah’s body at his words, Jacob’s anger almost forgotten. She doesn’t want praise for what she does, she never has. But hearing the Father speak to her in such a manner makes all her pain worth it.

“Thank you, Father.”, Leah lowers her head as she smiles.

Her happiness dulls as Jacob lets out a bitter sounding huff and turns to his brother.

“I wanted to show you what we’re building here, but I guess we haven’t gotten as far as I thought we would.”, he speaks as if Leah isn’t standing right next to him.

He talks about showing his brother something, but Leah doesn’t listen anymore, too heavy is his cynical comment on her. It’s like someone switched him out within the last days. She’s rooted in place as the men walk out the door of the ward. The only thing bringing her back to where she’s at is Stephanie moving behind her. She’s still rubbing the tears from her cheeks as she picks up the clipboard from the bed. Leah can’t manage more than a reassuring hand yet again, her feelings are jumbled at the blatant display of contemptment from Jacob.

\---

Jacob takes his sweet time to talk to Leah again. His eyes had told her that he still has a bone to pick with her. The nagging feeling slithers throughout Leah’s body all night as she sits on the ward. She would usually sleep if there was no patient in the room with her, but of course she can’t.

The whole center is wound up tight in anticipation with the news about the Whitetails. The training for the recruits has doubled and is even more grueling than before. People openly carry guns with them everywhere they go. Leah has a chip on her shoulder, the heightened collective nervousness rubs off on her. And apparently, she isn’t the only one, as evidenced by Jacob’s less than friendly demeanor. 

But then again, Eden’s Gate is being threatened. Jacob and his family are being threatened by the Whitetails. This is nothing compared to the dislike of the locals.

Still, it’s no reason to speak to her like this.

Leah rubs her face with her hands and groans. Never in all her life has she experienced so many emotions and feelings in such a short amount of time. She’s glad she came to Hope County, it is truly the will of God that she is here, just like the Father said. But it's exhausting sometimes.

_You know that being part of Eden’s Gate, this family, is to struggle._

The sentence echoes in her mind as she fully sees the expansive meaning of it. No weekend or back-to-back shifts have ever taken as much out of her as working under Jacob does. She wears her struggle on the outside. Her fingers trace along the scar on her forehead, into her dry hair and along her pronounced collarbone.

Her whole summer is haunted by her dreams and dissociation. Jacob was a little light that shone through the murky dark cloud over her head. Was.

She feels alone again. Stephanie had turned inward after Jacob and Joseph left the ward. All the reassurance she had given her felt like it got lost in a black hole, Steph barely responding to her. Leah has an inkling of how she feels, thinking of Sam and Susie. But Leah was told it wasn’t her fault, when it directly was. Stephanie got told it was her fault, when she had no control of the situation.

\---

The first rays of the sun caress her face as she pushes open the big door at the front entrance of the Veteran’s Center. The yard is swarming with people, clanks of boxes and crates being hauled into trucks disturb the early morning. Her cup of tea is steaming in her hand, she has to balance her steps to prevent it from spilling. She navigates through the stream of people running around, having to dodge them more than once on her way to the archway.

Stephanie was still not talking when she came onto the ward this morning. Her dark hair falls around her face in tangles, her skin is dull, and shadows frame her eyes. Leah worries that she’ll slip into the same pattern as Leah first did, and she makes a mental note to check in with her when she’ll come back in the evening. Leah’s night wasn’t very relaxing either. Even though she had no one to take care of, her head was spinning with thoughts to no end. A little time by the lake with a cup of tea is her attempt to wind down before getting into bed.

Before she can walk out of the archway though, a voice behind her makes her stop. A burly man comes after her, assault rifle in hand.

“Where are you going?”, his southern accent is thick in his deep voice.

“Uh, I was going to sit by the lake for a bit.”, Leah’s confused as to why anyone would ask her where she’s headed.

People are usually too busy with themselves to notice her, she likes it this way.

“You armed?”, he asks?

“Uh, what?”

“Are you armed, don’t you understand me girl?”, he repeats louder.

Leah holds up her cup of tea to emphasize the absurdity the question presents to her. Why would she be armed to sit at the lake?

The man prepares to speak to her again, by the look on his face he’s not happy. Before he can spout at Leah, Jacob pushes him to the side, he scurries away at his command.

Leah swallows. All night she thought about what to say to him. She’s got nothing, just looks at him with her cup of tea in her hands. She still feels small the same way she did yesterday when he looks down on her.

“Where are you going?”, at least his voice isn’t as sharp as yesterday.

“Going to sit by the lake before going to bed.”, Leah holds his gaze, it still takes a lot out of her.

Her anger is bubbling up in her again. She’s annoyed at herself for being so snappy all the time, but once she gets her words in order, oh boy, does she have something to tell him.

“I’ll come with you, we have to talk.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a comment if you like it so far :-)  
> Thank you for taking your time to read my little story <3

“You wanna explain what that was yesterday?”

It’s a new feeling of sitting on the tree stump and not leaning against it. She feels little splints pricking her in the legs and butt. It keeps her from shifting around constantly. Jacob mirrors her position, sitting across from her, a rifle in his lap. Leah eyes the gun, they make her feel nervous. If she wasn’t in this situation, sitting beside the lake with Jacob eyeing her up, she would’ve laughed at the irony. There are literal hymns about rifles being sung during sermons, they play a gigantic part in the cult. But she’s never been a person for firearms. Ever since her uncle in Iowa shot himself in the foot because of a forgotten safety, she keeps her distance.

“I could ask you the same question.”, Leah retorts, immediately sipping on her tea to prevent herself from saying anything else that might get her into trouble.

She’s decided that she’s not going to take anything from him. His behavior was unacceptable, Seed or not. This comes down to basic human decency.

Jacob cocks an eyebrow at her. He can’t suppress a small smile, looking amused.

“When the fuck did you get so feisty?”, Jacob asks.

It’s Leah’s turn to raise her eyebrows at him. Is he joking? Feisty? Because she’s standing up for someone? Well, if feisty is what he wants.

“Do you have any medical training?”

“No.”

“Do you know what to do when someone is having a seizure?”

“No.”

Her knuckles go white around the cup and she takes a deep breath. Should she just outright yell at him like he did with Steph?  
No, that doesn’t solve anything. Leah goes quiet, hoping her point came across with her two questions.

For a while it’s just nature around them. A breeze creates little waves on the lake, a flock of crows makes its way over their heads. Jacob shifts around where he is sitting, Leah can’t tell if he has caught on to the point she’s trying to prove here. She’s getting antsy with him just looking at her, his eyes rake across her body multiple times.  
  
“So why are you blaming Stephanie?”, it’s really the only question she wanted to ask him since yesterday.

Jacob leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees. He looks utterly tired, the dark and sunken eyes almost age him in comparison to what he looked like a week ago. 

“Same thing I said yesterday, dollface. Why do I need her or you, if you can’t save my men from something as simple as that?”

The nickname stings. It’s a clear indicator that he doesn’t take her serious. Leah’s voice swells louder as she answers him.

“Tell me what you would’ve done if it’s so simple Jacob.”, she puts down her cup of tea on the ground beside the tree stump.

She’s waiting for a response with her arms folded in front of her chest. Jacob’s hand rakes through his beard, looking down at her feet.

“I don’t have to know what to do. You’re here so that I don’t have to worry about shit like this.”, he finally says.

“Are you serious? You’re telling me this, but when it comes to something you don’t agree with, my medical degree and what I have to say doesn’t matter anymore?”, Leah’s mouth falls open at his audacity.

His eyes are hard as he speaks to her again.

“Listen, Fisher was-“

“No, you listen. Let me lay it out for you, in simple terms.”, the snarky remark slips out before she has the chance to stop herself. Words are bubbling up in her, she wants to spew acid at him for his ignorant comment.

“Convulsive seizures are dangerous. My best guess is that Fisher had a stroke because of a blood clot. Which could have been prevented if I had the right medication, but I don’t. I have to get by with the bare minimum here, I’m doing the best that I can. Don’t go telling me or Stephanie what’s simple and what is not. I don’t tell you how to do your job, don’t tell me how to do mine.”

A convoy of trucks pull out from the yard, blowing up dust and debris on the dirt road. A small shred of fear that she went overboard floats around in her chest. When the sound from the engines travels down the road, Jacob turns his face towards Leah again. She can’t make out any emotion from him, his hand is curled around the barrel of his rifle.

“Fisher was one of, if not the best, man I had.”

Leah casts her eyes down. His voice is calm, and her animosity towards him feels wrong all of a sudden.

“I admit I went a little overboard. But if you disrespect me like that again, we’re gonna have a problem.”

She finds his eyes. His face is still stoic.

“The puppy eyes work on my brother, not me. The situation we have at hand is serious, I don’t have time to argue because your little girlfriend got her feelings hurt.”

This isn’t the outcome she wanted. She should have known Jacob wouldn’t give her anything. Him admitting he went overboard is as much as she’s going to get. Her hand reaches down for the cup. The tea is leaning on the side of cold, so Leah dumps it out onto the ground. This conversation clearly isn’t going anywhere, she feels dumb thinking that he would admit he did something wrong, much less apologize for anything. It’s Jacob Seed she’s talking to after all.

Leah pulls the elastic out of her hair and it falls around her face. Ever since she was little, she hides behind her hair when she’s anxious, it gives her security. All the thinking and worrying was for nothing, he’s back to the Jacob she first met. The side she came to appreciate, the different Jacob, is gone. Why it happened so sudden is a mystery to her. Did she do something? The atmosphere between them is oppressive, all Leah wants to do is leave, her flight response pings throughout her body. There’s something else burning on her tongue, though.

“Why am I even here in the first place?”, Leah asks.

She’s wanted to ask him this for a long time, now’s a good time as ever.

Jacob preaches that the world is weak and so are the people living in it. Weak people are left to die or will be killed, he’s demonstrated this countless times. Groups for in-field training often return with a member or two missing, left behind in the wilderness.

There’s a silent question in Jacob’s face, he doesn’t follow her.

“Cull the herd? Sacrifice the weak? What’s the need for a medical facility in the first place?”, Leah reiterates.

There’s no humor in Jacob’s chuckle.

“You think I just let someone die because some cowards that hide in the mountains think it’s a good idea to shoot at us?”

Leah shakes her head, obviously he doesn’t, it would contradict his outburst yesterday.

“If someone isn’t strong enough to pull through in the same circumstances as his comrades, they don’t belong in the herd. If you get hurt from something you can’t control you have to be fixed, otherwise I would have virtually no men left. That’s what sets us apart from animals, we can choose who to keep and who to cast out. Because we have you.”

The concession catches her off guard. Jacob has been nothing but superiority and condescension up until now. But his statement makes sense. Mindlessly slaughtering anyone who gets hurts isn’t economic in any way.

“Don’t overestimate my abilities please. I’ve lost a lot of people in here. Don’t expect me to do things I can’t.”

His head dips to the side, a disparaging laugh leaving him. Leah flexes her fingers as her heart flutters with disappointment. Jacob’s ability to not speak and still cut into her is exhausting the last of her hope that he cares.

“Things are changing. The people here have always resisted us, it’s nothing new. A lot of people are going to get hurt, I need you on your toes Leah.”

“I am on my toes.”, Leah retorts.

“If you say so.”, he grunts.

Leah’s had enough. She’s not here to endure his arrogance any longer. Fuck him and fuck her for ever thinking she meant the slightest bit to him. She has half a mind to tell him to go to hell, but the rational part of her brain, not yet overcome with the sourness of hurt and disappointment mixed with blind rage, tells her not to. The tea cup is left behind when the dirt and pebbles crunch under her feet. If he says something to her, she doesn’t register it. She doesn’t want to.

As her legs carry her back towards the Center, a small pinch of doubt pierces the haze of her emotion. Her exit won’t be without consequence, she disrespected him again.

\---

24 hours. She only managed to avoid him for a mere 24 hours. Seeing his face is like drinking acid, her stomach burns, like it’s tearing a hole into her. To add insult to injury, he’s back with his usual demeanor, sauntering almost lazily through the door into the ward. Pain shoots through her hand, the drawer of documents she reaches for in her haste to look busy was closer than she expected. A surge of relief washes through her when his steps go back further into the room, but it crashes as soon as he talks to someone.

She can only imagine Stephanie’s face. Eyes wide, face pale, hands trembling and stammering. Stephanie fears disappointing the Seed family more than anything, even more than death. Leah would be lying if she said she didn’t feel the same way to a certain extent. The family is extremely important to her, Eden’s Gate has become her life. She still deeply respects Jacob for his work and his devotion. Just not for his demeanor. The separation isn’t easy to make sometimes.

The voices behind her are a low hum, but it’s mostly Jacob. Leah could pick out his baritone anywhere, she found is voice interesting the first day she heard him. You’d expect a voice like gravel and dark heavy pressure with a man of his size and looks. Instead, Leah perceives it as light and smooth, it floats around so easily, he sounds almost too young.

She hopes to god he has good words for Stephanie. It tore her down almost completely, Leah had a long and serious talk with her this morning when she came onto the ward. Assured her that it was not her wrongdoing that took Fisher. The name sits in her mouth like a slice of lemon, she’s tired of talking and thinking about him, even tough the poor man has no fault in her miserable situation.  
The crackling that travels to her ears isn’t something she expects from the current environment she’s in.

Bandages torn open? No, not quite. More like a package, thick plastic. Like a candy bar.

Stephanie’s voice is frantic, she stumbles over her words until Jacob interrupts her. Leah doesn’t really strain to listen for any exact information, it’s not her place, and she doesn’t want to know. Anything pertaining to Jacob is to be avoided. The papers rustle in her hands, she’s not really doing anything with them, organizing them in piles with no sense, taking them apart and putting them into different piles.

One to the left, one to the right.

Up, down.

At least he’s not yelling this time.

Leah hears a string of words that could be a ‘thank you’ and clears the workspace in front of her. She really has to organize everything now, her cluttered mind translated onto the stack of papers.

No door opens or closes. His steps stop behind her.

She clenches her eyes shut as hard as she can. A feeling is bubbling in her stomach. Is it fear? Or anticipation? Anticipation for what? She feels his gaze prickle in the back of her neck.  
Grab one paper, look at it, put it somewhere, repeat.

“Do you have a minute?”, his voice is low behind her. She can’t tell how close he is.

“No.”, she says flatly, still rummaging around in the papers.

A huff behind her.

“Stephanie, are you ok alone for a while?”, he’s still looking in her direction from the sound of his voice.

“Yes, of course Jacob.”, Leah wants to throw up.

He takes a step towards her.

“Now you do, come on.”, it’s a tone that won’t take objection.

She let’s the contents in her hand fall onto the table with a little more dramatics than is necessary. Everything in her body is resisting, her emotional landscape has not yet settled back into a normal state yet. This will be a disaster.

Her feet drag along the floor as she follows him out the door. A short glance to Stephanie shows her sitting at the desk in the back of the room, her eyes closed in bliss as she chews. The silver wrapper of the chocolate bar glistens in her hand. A part in Leah’s brain, the part she suppresses the most, reminds her that that piece of chocolate was sworn to her after losing to Stephanie. But that feels like an eternity ago, and she’s glad for her.

Her eyes are glued to the floor when the door shuts behind her. The distance between them feels too small for her liking, her arms cross in front of her involuntarily. The thought of looking at him makes he shiver, it’s just like the first time. She knows that instead of her heart fluttering with excitement, it’ll clench in her chest.

“I’ll get straight to the point before you decide to run off on me again.”, the amusement in his voice sounds different from yesterday.

Leah lifts her head as he hands her a brown satchel. Her eyes dart between him and the bag in his outstretched hand. The leather is smooth in her fingers, the bag is old, having passed through many hands or used a lot by one pair.  
Jacob tells her to open it after she looks at him perplexed. She almost drops the gun when she pulls it out.

“What the hell is this?”, Leah asks bewildered, not even wanting to touch it.

“Well, I didn’t think that you folks from Illinois were this behind, but that’s a gun. A Glock to be exact.”, he expresses, a flicker of smugness now in his voice.

Leah lets out the best fake laughter she can muster. Jacob’s not impressed.

“You will carry this from now on. Helps me sleep better.”, he tells her.

Leah’s sure if her eyeballs could fall out of her head, they would right about now.

“Sure, as long as you’re sleeping safe and sound it’s okay, don’t mind me. I don’t want a gun. Besides, I have no idea how to shoot this thing.”, irritation is clearly dripping from her voice now.

“Then you’re gonna learn.”

Leah shoves the gun back into the bag. Is he insane?

“I’m not carrying a gun Jacob.”, her voice is stern.  
  
Leah knows he’s not going to take no for an answer by his displeased face, but she’s not going down without a fight. She doesn’t need a gun, for fuck’s sake.  
His regular cocked eyebrow is back as he looks at her with his chin lifted.  
  
“Okay, I’ll have someone watch over you. Wherever you are, doesn’t matter if you shower, if you’re sleeping or going to the bathroom. This or the gun. No discussion.”, the tone of his voice is clear. She won’t get out of this.  
It’s a low blow to threaten her with 24-hour surveillance, but she’s not surprised.

“Keep it close to you at all times.”, he points to his holster.  
  
Leah can’t help but chuckle at the ridiculousness of it all. She figures it’s better to just agree, there’s no need to make it harder for her.

It does get harder. She freezes at his touch. It’s just a hand on the side of her arm, but it physically weighs her body down. The pressure of his fingers squeezing her flesh burns, she’s not sure if it’s in a good or bad way.

“I just want you to be safe. We’re not taking any chances.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years! Here's a special chapter for you to start the year off good.
> 
> As always, tell me what you think, comments, questions, concerns are always appreciated! <3

Her ears ring, even the protective plugs she wears can only help so much. At least she hasn’t dropped the gun today. Her shoulders are tight, her arms weigh about four times more than usual. Blinking hard doesn’t help her eyes anymore, the constant focusing makes her vision blur when she wants to concentrate. The glass bottle on the tree stump in front of her is getting farther and farther away, this isn’t right anymore. Leah bends down into a squat and puts the gun onto the ground before her. There are little flickers of sparks in her vision from rubbing her tired eyes.

“Hey hey, up and at em’. We’re not done.”, a voice from behind her calls.

The ground is still cold when she sits backwards, the sun is losing its power as the height of fall approaches, the air is still somewhat crisp, even two hours after sunrise. She waves the man off, hoping he gets the message that she needs a break. She flinches when the voice is now right behind her when he talks. How are the Chosen so quiet all the time?

“That’s all you have in ya?”, his voice is muffled by the facemask.

Hair falls in her face as she nods. Between working on the ward, shooting practice and just trying to get herself back together in general, she’s at full capacity.

Stephanie’s eyes went wide the first time Leah came through the doors with a holster around her leg. It still feels foreign, she’s constantly bumping into things and shifting around on her feet. She hates it. She doesn’t want it, safety or not. And of course, she got herself into this situation. The one time Jacob strolls into the ward the satchel is on the desk on the other side of the room. Now she’s stuck with the damn leg holster and the looming threat of surveillance, should she be seen without it.

Jacob still mystifies her. Conversation is casual again, glances are thrown her way, sometimes a fleeting touch. She gives him credit for talking to Stephanie and making things right. No apology has left his lips, she’s certain. But he has a way with words, and Stephanie’s devotion for the family, and maybe the chocolate, probably did the rest. Doubt still sits in the back of her mind, her trust is now locked behind a door that doesn’t open with ease. She doesn’t put it past him to revert back to the other Jacob she knows, and that one can stay away from her as far as possible.

“Come on, two more magazines. The I’ll let you go.”, the man grunts.

The amount of ammunition Eden’s Gate has accumulated over the last few years has to be gigantic if Leah can just fire into nothing. Her hand closes around the gun as she gets up. Echoes bounce around in her head.

_Finger off the trigger until you’re ready to shoot._

_Always assume all guns are loaded._

_Never let the gun point at anything you aren’t willing to destroy._

_Be sure of your target and what’s behind it._

Not even her schoolwork or exam questions were that ingrained into her. Then again, schoolwork never killed anyone. Or so she hopes, her masters’ thesis got her pretty close.

Leah clenches her eyes shut again in hopes to get them to work better this time. Her arms lift put in front of her as she lines up the shot. The Chosen’s presence behind her makes her jittery to no extent. Readjusting her footing again, she breathes out until no more air is in her lungs.

The first shot misses entirely, splinters of wood from the unfortunate tree she hit fall to the ground. Her throat feels raspy as she clears it, another deep breath expands and contracts her lungs. Dampness makes the gun slippery in her hands. The Chosen sighs as she adjusts her grip yet again.

“I don’t want to be here as much as you, I’m trying.”, Leah grits out.

The second shot takes off the neck of the bottle, it rattles around on the boulder, threatening to fall off. The third shot shatters the bottle entirely, shards clink around on the stone. The gun points to the ground as Leah draws a breath, anticipation falling off of her. That was one bottle, now for the other five.

Her medical training is useful in ways she never thought it would be. Calm and steady hands shatter bottle after bottle, the last one goes down with the first shot. For someone with her relationship to guns, she’s not too bad handling them.  
The Chosen grunts satisfied behind her and steps to her side. Her hands are tingling with little pricks from the recoil and the blast of firing, she alternates flexing them. They still need to get used to firing a gun and what comes with that.

Her cheeks flush a light pink when she thinks back to the first time the recoil knocked the firearm out of her hands, earning her a hearty chuckle from the Chosen. It’s been the same one all the time. She thinks. You can’t tell them apart really, uniformly clothed in their attire, the most outstanding thing being the red ‘ski mask’, if you can even call it that.  
  
Hollywood fooled her good, after firing the last round in her first magazine she yelped at the slide snapping back into her face. The Chosen must’ve had a fantastic day, even though Leah could only see his eyes, his voice was indication enough that he was borderline laughing as he explained to her that no, the gun doesn’t go ‘click’ when it’s empty, it tells you very much in your face when you need to reload.

He’s…friendly. As friendly as it gets for his kind. He can’t ignore her like the other Chosen do, but he’s not rude or condescending. Tall and lean as a tree, dark skin, and eyes to match. His voice is as deep as the ocean, but he sounds young. Leah’s learned to not rely on voice as an indicator of age.

“What’s your name?”, she blurts at him, her mouth faster than her mind again.

They don’t talk about anything other than the subject at hand, and very little at that. He never repeats himself, so Leah has to listen. He keeps back after instructing her and just watches, occasionally giving corrections or grunts of approval.

“My name’s Chosen.”, he answers after a while.

“Huh? Chosen?”, did she hear that right through the mask?

They just all call each other Chosen? Who’s who then? Do they even know each other?

“My old name isn’t important anymore. Jacob gave me a new one.”

“I’m not going to call you Chosen, that’s the most impersonal thing I’ve ever heard.”, Leah retorts.

The gun has cooled off enough for Leah to put it back into the holster. That would usually signal that the lesson is over and they part ways with a short goodbye. But Leah curiosity gets the best of her again. She prods him with questions until he gives in and quietly tells her his name was Connor.

“Don’t ever address me with that name if there is even a chance that someone might be in earshot of us.”

They do actually call each other Chosen. Jacob takes their identity to instill his values into them and then gives them a new one to match with said values. A strange feeling floats around Leah’s chest.

She feels sorry for them? Or sad on their behalf?

She can’t make out what it is, it’s not her place to worry about anyways. Sacrifice is important and necessary, it just come in different forms. Are those her own thoughts? Or is the mentality seeping into her from the outside? She doesn’t know.  
Leah already feels and does things she would’ve never thought possible years ago. Montana and Eden’s Gate permeate her every fiber. The swearing, the defiance, the immodest thoughts, but she doesn’t feel bad.

She feels free. More free than she ever did in Illinois.

\---

The construction of the moving target practice looks so utterly self made that Leah chuckles every time she comes up to the clearing behind the Center. A generator that powers a cart on tracks with whatever the moving target for the day is, on it. It’s Leah’s third time with moving targets, she’s proven to be quite capable. Discovering other talents, even at an older age, should make her happy, but Connor seems to be prouder than she is.

He still doesn’t talk a lot. Particularly about himself, he blocks every question that pertains to his person, Leah’s given up on trying to extract information about him. His eyes dart around him every time she calls him by his name.

But his usual quiet demeanor makes him seem like a chatterbox compared to today. No more than two words have left his mouth. He’s leaning against a nearby tree, bow slung around his body and hands in his coat pockets. Leah can’t really see where he’s looking from the distance and the ever darkening sky, his head is turned in her general direction, but that’s about it.  
  
The sputtering and rattling makes her look up. The target cart jerks two, three times before it stops when the noise of the generator dies down. Her arms drop to her side as she searches for Connor’s eyes. His exact words are hard to make out from under the mask, but Leah knows they’re not for her anyways when he pushes himself off the tree and marches over to the generator.  
The cold breeze nips at her skin as she pulls out her hearing protection, she feels for the key to the trunk in her room that holds her jacket. The jagged edges of the keys in her pocket dig into the flesh of her hand as she squeezes it around them. The distraction through physical pain doesn’t work, as anxiety climbs in her throat. Her protruding hipbones aren’t stretching the elastic band of her scrubs over her belly anymore and her jeans now fit with a belt, but she’s nowhere near where her weight should be. All her winter clothes will be hanging off her like bags, she’s packed them away mere days before Sam’s attack.

Connor’s rising form pulls her out of her thoughts. His left hand is till hidden in his pocket as he turns to her.

“Generator’s out of diesel. We’ll call it a night for today, I’ll refill it tomorrow.”, he grunts at her.

She has no objections, calling it quits early means more free time and more sleep for her. The grass rustles under her feet as she walks beside Connor, his strides are long and fast, Leah regularly struggles to keep up with him. The Veteran’s Center pushes itself into view as they cross the tree line out of the woods.

“You’re a nurse, right?”, Connor asks out of nowhere.

Leah’s pulse spikes for a moment from his sudden question. She has to regain her footing, her flinching almost makes her stumble.

“I, uh, yes.”, she stammers.

They walk alongside the western wall of the center, the forecourt is still buzzing with people carrying boxes about, loading them into trucks yet again. The sight has become routine in the last few weeks, Eden’s Gate is moving resources around the county.

“Can you, like, look at something?”, the tone of his voice is so quiet that Leah almost doesn’t hear him.

“Huh? Yeah, sure, come on, I’ll take you to the ward.”, she says as they round the corner through the archway.

Connor falls behind her as they approach the door. He only comes after Leah when she turns to him with a questioning look on her face. He keeps close behind her as they navigate the corridors to the back of the Center. Other Chosen nod at him as they pass by, but no words are exchanged between them. They really all look the same, it’s astounding to Leah. Apart from height and maybe weight, if you really take your time to look at them, they’re one and the same. No identification is present anywhere on their body, only addressing each other as Chosen.

Leah’s not on duty tonight but she won’t turn anyone away that asks for help. She’s also the main person when it comes to diagnoses, the workload has shifted between her and Stephanie. Small injuries, minor ailments and anything else that might not require immediate medical attention are all Stephanie’s duty now. Her development is something that makes Leah’s heart swell with pride, alongside her medical skills, Stephanie’s confidence has risen tenfold. No longer is the first look to Leah when she encounters a challenge, instead facing it head on.

Just one more turn until they approach the doors to the ward. The free time on the horizon makes her feet carry her faster than usual. A new reminder to the Center’s residents on the wall catches her eye as she rounds the corner, her head turning to inspect the sheet of paper while she walks past it.  
  
Hot pain shoots through her nose as her strides are stopped by someone. She scrambles back, stunned, holding her nose with her hands. She lets out a string of small _ows,_ tears are pricking in her eyes involuntarily. She feels Connor grinding to a halt behind her. Hot liquid coats her hands and Leah groans in pain.

“Sir.”, Connor grumbles behind her.

Blinking away the tears, the first thing Leah catches onto is the rabbits’ foot around his neck.

“Back so soon?”, he says over her head to Connor.

Her hands are red when she lifts them from her face, a small cluster of dots is already at her feet. At least her nose isn’t broken, she’s had the pleasure of that feeling before, it’s a different kind of pain.

“Generator’s out of diesel, Sir. I’ll fill it tomorrow, Sir.”, all personality has left his voice. His accent is only there in remnants.

Leah’s hands threaten to spill over as Jacob hums in response and bends down to ask if she’s okay. She croaks out a small sorry in his direction and waddles over to the ward doors. He seems completely unfazed by Leah running face first into his chest, he didn’t even take a step back when her head collided with him, both feet firmly planted on the ground. The conversation between the two men continues as the door swings open to reveal a startled Stephanie.

She’s right by her side as Leah bends over the sink and takes her hands off her face. Blood pools around the drain, there it is again. Pitter patter.  
The red fades out when it mixes with water, Leah struggles to wash her hands and keep herself positioned so that the blood out of her nose drips into the sink and not onto her. Stephanie asks her what happened while fetching her a towel and some ice.

“Ran face first into Jacob, ah fuck!”, she exclaims when pain shoots through her nose again while talking.

Steph shakes her head, the corners of her mouth upturned when she hands Leah the ice bag wrapped in the towel to put on her nose.

“It’s always something with you two”, she casually remarks as she turns around back to the patient she was tending to.

_\---_

20 minutes and a tamponade in her left nostril later, she sits down beside Connor. He eyes her, as if he’s afraid she’ll bleed on him. Jacob had stuck his head through the door while she sat in a chair, head backwards and pinching her nose to ask if everything was alright. A thumbs up was all she could muster as the taste of iron ran down the back of her throat.

Connors eyes snap up as Stephanie walks behind her. They follow her all the way to the back of the ward. So much for subtlety.

“What did you want me to look at?”, she quips at him.

He clears his throat and turns his attention back to Leah. He’s reluctant again, fidgeting with the edge of his sleeve. At least Leah perceives it as reluctance. The absence of facial expressions makes it hard to read the man across from her. He finally pulls back his sleeve and quickly looks away. The skin on the back of hist wrist is bulging, as if a golf ball sits under it. He slides his hand closer to her, still looking off somewhere in the distance.

It rolls around as she prods it with soft fingers. The slit in his mask reveals that it does cause at least a little bit of pain, his eyes crinkle as she applies pressure. It’s the hand he kept in his pocket all the time today.

“How long has it been there?”, she asks softly.

In order to shield him from prying eyes, she rolls her stool to the side to block off anybody behind her. He’s clearly extremely uncomfortable, not something you’d expect from a killing machine. He tells her that it’s been like this for about a week, the pain has come three days ago.

“I am positive that’s a ganglion cyst. Fluid leaks out of your joint and it causes swelling under the skin. Have you hit your wrist anywhere lately?”

“Hell if I know, it’s very likely though. What do I do to get rid of it?”, he whispers to her.

Leah takes his wrist and bends it in various directions, some earning her displeased eyes through the mask.

“Hm, there’s nothing really to do except wait for it to go down. I can give you something for pain if you want.”

That wasn’t the answer he expected. His hand clasps around Leah’s and he pulls her toward him, trying to get his point across.

“Can’t you just cut it out? I know you stitched Fisher back together, God rest his soul.”, desperation is edging to the forefront of his whispers.

“I promise it’s nothing to worry about. It’ll go down in time, if it doesn’t, I’ll take another look.”, Leah puts on her best ‘hospital voice’, it’s not helping.

“Just cut it out right now, then I don’t have to wait.”

He cuts himself off as Stephanie approaches them again, smiling in their direction. Luckily, her brain fires quick enough for her to put her hand over his wrist, concealing the cyst for him.  
Working in the medical field for so long has presented Leah with quite a plethora of injuries, bodily fluids, bumps, rashes, and whatnot. To her it’s a condition that needs to be fixed, for the patient it’s an embarrassment most of the time. Chosen apparently aren’t exempt from that fact. But getting a scalpel ready would be too much.

“I can’t just open up your arm. I’m not a surgeon, what if I do something wrong and you can’t use your hand at all anymore?”

Potentially losing a hand dampens his panic over the cyst for a bit. His brows are knitted together in thought as Leah pulls down the sleeve again.

“Tell you what. I’ll bandage it so it’s not that obvious and I’ll give you something for the pain. If it’s still unchanged in three weeks, you come and see me again. Then we’ll see about poking it with something.”

He hangs his head, it’s clearly not the easy fix he had hoped he would get. He agrees to the bandage however and takes the bottle of Ibuprofen out of Leah’s hand as he’s leaving. He halts again before exiting, turning back to her again.

“Jacob’s taking you to the range tomorrow, wants to see your progress. I’ll head up again and fill the generator. Don’t embarrass me.”, he tells her and shuts the door behind him.

A small trail of blood follows the tamponade as she gently pulls it out of her nose. The blood drips into the sink again as she hangs her head over it. Great. Jacob’s going to watch her miss every target, decide that the gun isn’t for her and have someone assigned to watch over her.

“How’s the shooting coming along?”, Stephanie’s by her side with a fresh bag of ice.

“Ehh, it’s okay I guess, I hit something sometimes. Just not really keen on Jacob the marksman judging my progress just yet.”, she replies, pinching her nose and holding the ice pack in her neck.

“Well, then you’d really ought to have a good night’s sleep. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”, Stephanie pats her on the shoulder as she hands her a piece of cloth to soak up the rest of the blood.

“Let’s hope so. Just wake me up if you need something.”, Leah sighs as she makes her way out of the ward.

\---

The key turns slow in the lock of her crate. Everything looks like the day she put it in, neatly folded and organized. The clothes feel like they belong to a different person when she pulls them out. She slips on the leather jacket she bought herself with her first paycheck from the hospital she worked at after graduating. The black leather is worn down in places, the fabric of the inner lining is starting to fray in places, but she loves it, nonetheless. Dreams of her own practice resurface, all the money she had saved up behind the backs of her parents is within Eden’s Gate now. She gladly gave them everything. She’s taken care of, provided with food and shelter and a place to work.

She picks the crusted mud form the side of her hiking boots, she’d bought them purely for Montana, but only managed to roam the wilderness in them twice before her life changed. A glance out the window reveals the sun creeping up the horizon, she needs to get going if she wants to make it in time to change shifts with Stephanie. She loops a scarf around her neck, pats herself down to check if she has everything, and she’s out the door.

Her heart pounds against her ribcage as she approaches Jacob waiting for her in the archway. Her steps resound in the empty courtyard, the Center is not yet fully up and running. It won’t be long until there are shouts and clanks resounding again. His usual army jacket has given way to a leather jacket similar to hers. His eyes sweep over her body in one swift motion when she comes to a halt in front of him.

“Took your sweet time, huh?”, he rasps.

“The sun is barely up, how long have you been waiting here?”, Leah retorts as the make their way up the hill next to the Center.

“I’m an early riser dollface. Nice jacket by the way, looks like we do have something in common after all.”, his voice is particularly quiet this morning.

Leah lets out a soundless laugh. Fashion sense isn’t something she attributes to Jacob in particular, but the way the jacket looks on him makes her ears hot. His rifle is slung over his body, the barrel juts out behind his shoulder. The look of it alone makes Leah feel uneasy. Her small pistol can potentially do a lot of damage, she doesn’t want to know what Jacob can do with his .50 cal.

They reach the clearing as the first rays of sun make the frosted grass glisten. Leah’s lungs expand with the crisp morning air, a puff of breath forms in front of her face as she breathes out. The generator bubbles to life, Jacob’s wasting no time on getting started. The grip of her gun is cold in her hands, the weight isn’t an issue to her anymore, the almost two pounds gave her trouble aiming when she started. Jacob turns to walk towards her. Her heartrate picks up again as he stands behind her.

“Show me what you got.”, the hair on the back of her neck stands up at his voice so close behind her.

The cart in front of her chugs along the tracks before being pulled back by a wire again. The log on the cart shakes minimally with the movement and so does the paper with the target silhouette. It’s only the clicking of the magazine sliding into place and the slide going back down the barrel between them before Leah puts the plugs in her ears and raises her arms.

_Both sights lined up._

_Trigger on the wall of the final 4-pound fire pressure._

_Readjust after recoil._

Another puff of breath from her mouth as she empties her lungs.

The first shot misses entirely. A small breath from Jacob behind her.

The second hits the chest of the target.

The third goes into the neck.

Leah draws a breath and readjusts her grip. She knows that if it were ever to come down to a real situation where firing is necessary, she won’t have the luxury of taking things slow. But accurately shooting is a higher priority than fast shooting.

The fourth and fifth shot are dead on headshots and a stone falls from her heart. She’s not messing up as much as she thought she would. The surveillance is retreating farther away.

The grass crunches under Jacob’s feet as his front aligns with Leah’s back. Big hands snake around her upper arms, pulling them back slightly to bend her elbows.

“Helps with impact if you ever have to shoot on the move. Get your main hand as high as you can up to the beavertail of the gun, you’re too low.”

Her heart threatens to burst out of her chest as the dull whispers reach her ear, the protection making sound everything far away. Every curve and dip of his body is pressed against Leah’s back as his hands lift her grip higher up the gun.

“Give me three times in head this time.”, his voice almost vibrates in Leah’s chest, her legs tingle.

But she manages. There’s always a threshold in practice where everything falls together, and her shots never miss the target. The slide pulls back as she fires the last round of the magazine, Jacob hasn’t had any corrections for her, so she just kept on firing. Her shoulders slump down, tension flowing out of her body as the empty magazine falls into her hand. Jacob’s face is relaxed when she turns to him for comments or instructions.  
He cocks his head to the side, a small smile plays on his lips.

“Look at you being a little crack shot.”

Her cheeks are flushed again, hopefully Jacob thinks it’s the cold air. A smile finds its way on her face also as she averts her gaze. Jacob takes his own rifle into his hand, his gaze goes into the distance, he’s looking for something.

“Wanna have a little contest?”, he sheepishly asks.

Herself, not knowing how a gun worked up until a month ago against a marksman? Yeah right. Leah swallows.

“That’s hardly fair.”, she says.

“Oh come on, I’ll go easy on ya.”, you can hear the smile in his voice.

She scratches the back of her head. She’ll lose, that’s out of the question. She’d rather not go through that embarrassment in front of Jacob. But she also doesn’t want to part ways with him just yet. They haven’t spent a lot of time together lately, apart from the close encounter they had yesterday that she really didn’t need, Leah misses the jitters she gets every time she’s around him.

“See those targets? The ones shaped like a deer?”, he points off somewhere into the woods.

Her eyes scrunch up as she tries to make out the targets he’s talking about. Far back from where they’re standing, she sees a small white something, could be a deer or a plastic bag for all she can see. Even if her shot was accurate, it’ll hardly reach the target he’s pointing at.

“You’re not serious.”, she flat out says.

“That’s mine. Yours is over there.”

Leah looks off to the right, and lo and behold, there’s a white piece of wood shaped like a deer, an arrow already stuck in the center of it. That one’s definitely in range, although extremely difficult, even if its stationary.

“Fine, you go first.”, she says and reloads her gun with a new magazine.

Jacob’s a visually appealing man. That’s out of the question. But the visual of him lifting up his rifle in one smooth motion, his whole body rigid as he aims, it does something to Leah. From the way his hand closes around the grip, the other hand on the barrel, she drinks in every detail.

The shot cracks through the air like a whip, her puny Glock sounds like a mouse compared to this. Heat blooms in Leah’s lower belly. She’s never cared for overt displays of dominance, and it’s not exactly that, but power rolls off Jacob in waves as he lowers his weapon, Leah swallows again.

“Missed.”, he grits.

“You did not.”, Leah almost laughs, it’s honorable to act like he’s not as good as he is, but it doesn’t fool her.

“Okay, okay, I didn’t miss, but almost. I’m pretty rusty with this thing.”, he smiles at her.

It’s Leah’s turn, she takes Jacob’s place and lines up her shot. The target is the farthest thing she has ever shot at, and not only that, but he hands tremble ever so slightly all of a sudden. The gun flails around in her hand as she constantly has to adjust her grip, nothing feels right.

“Do I make you nervous princess?”, his smug voice comes from behind her.

God yes, he does. But she’ll never give him the satisfaction of knowing that. The god damned pet names are going to do her in one day. Another deep breath and she’s ready to shoot. The target rattles on impact and Leah strains to see where she put the bullet. To her surprise, there’s a hole right on the head of the deer.  
She turns to Jacob, struggling to keep the smug look off her face. She steps to the side and offers him her place in a courteous manner, a smile on her lips.

“First to five wins.”, he just says and lines up another shot.

Leah’s nerves are firing all over the place as she gets to watch him again. Her fundamental values instilled by her family are crumbling more and more, all her life she was told that lust and attraction are wrong and sinful to no end. Jacob makes her want to sit on her knees beside him, awaiting instruction and command from him. Well, in that sense she aligns with those old morals, men are to be listened to and followed.

“What are we even competing for?”, she asks when she steps into the shooting position.

“No idea yet, I’ll think of something.”, he answers.

Leah’s next shot misses entirely and hits a tree behind the target. She flexes her hands to get rid of the shakes in them. It’s no good though, her train has left the station, Jacob beats her 5 to 3, missing only once.

She holsters her Glock and makes a fake curtsey for him as he slings his rifle back over his back. The casual, almost playful interaction they shared this morning is something that Leah didn’t know she needed. She feels privileged to get to know Jacob on this level, and she’s fairly certain Jacob doesn’t mind a break from his tasks in Eden’s Gate.

“So, what do you win?”, Leah asks, tucking a strand of hair behind her hair.

He crosses the distance between them in three big steps and towers over her. Cold earth mixed with the leather from his jacket floods her senses.

“I want something from you.”, his voice has shifted lower.

From her? She doesn’t have anything to give to him, her eyes meet his when she lifts her head, searching for what he means in his face. She doesn’t notice his eyes flicker down to her lips. He puts his hand on the back of her head, the other one comes to rest on her cheek as his head bends down and stops right before his lips land on hers. Blood is rushing in Leah’s ears as her brain tries to process what’s happening to her. But Jacob’s not moving, why isn’t he moving? He just stands there, his warm breath grazes Leah’s skin.

“You’re gonna give me my prize?”, he rasps.

Tingles travel up her spine as her mouth drops open slightly. The world around her doesn’t exist anymore, her perception is zeroed in on Jacob and his mouth so close to hers his moustache tickles her.  
The distance between them feels like miles when Leah closes the gap between them.

His lips are warm when they begin to move with hers tentatively, Leah sighs as the hand on her cheek comes down to her back to pull them even closer together. A hum vibrates against her lips when her own arms sling around his neck. She never wants to let him go. Her whole body wants to follow him when Jacob’s mouth ever so slightly leaves hers.

“Next thing we’re gonna have a contest about is repairing trucks so I can win again”, he murmurs into her mouth.

“Or stitching up people so I get something from you.”, Leah whispers back.

“Whatever you want dollface.”

She can feel Jacob smile as he kisses her again, a little deeper this time. This is the first kiss she feels in her whole body as their lips move together again. Her hands roam his back, and he answers by his hand grabbing her by the back of the neck to hold her in place. A small mewl escapes her at the sudden grip and subsequent loss of control. The kiss ends when Jacob decides it does. They stand there for what feels like hours, but Leah knows it’s maybe only a minute or two.

The coil in her stomach is wound so tight that it leaves her shaking when Jacob’s mouth leaves hers. His hand comes up to her cheek again, thumb slowly stroking it. Her mouth is still slack, eyes half lidded, almost glazed over.  
The fire’s ignited in her now, she wants more as she looks at Jacob’s lips. Her mind is completely occupied by the want and it has to show on her face as Jacob smiles down at her.

“What a fuckin’ prize you are indeed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm from Germany and have never even held a real gun, I apologize if any of my research isn't completely accurate, please let me know if I got anything wrong!  
> Thank you for reading :-)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this far!
> 
> Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think, I've fallen into a hole and need some motivation, writing's very difficult currently.

His feet slip around for the hundredth time on the frosted grass. Curse those fucking flimsy shoes he has. The trek has been long, he started in complete darkness, every movement in the distance made him flinch as he expected a bear to come at him from behind a tree. Roads are out of the question, too much noise and not enough cover from oncoming cars. These days, anyone could be with them, your neighbor, your friends, your family. It’s the same route he takes every week, so far no one has spotted him. The forest around him wakes up the second the sky gets lighter in the distance, the critters seem like they don’t have enough time during the day to gather supplies or hunt for food for the looming winter. His thighs sting with every step he has to take up the slippery slope of the mountain to get a decent enough viewpoint. The chill of the metal of his rifle seeps into his hands, they’re stiff with the cold.  
  
To call the Veteran’s Center a shell of its former glory is an understatement. Disgusting is a better term for the building now, gutted out and full of rotten flesh that needs to be cut and burned out. Jacob Seed is the tumor that grows deep within its walls, infecting it further and further. Back in the days, he loved coming here and visiting his pops, the walls were full of love and respect for the occupants. The garden was a place of rest, not storage for humans and goods alike. He’s early enough for no one to be roaming the yard but he sees flickers of shadows passing in the window.  
  
The tree he sits behind usually comes into view as he climbs higher. The grass will warm up fast as he sits on it, he bites through the chill in his bones as he sits down, his eye already behind the scope.

These scouting trips have been getting more boring as of lately. Eden’s Gate is aware of the Whitetails now after that one mission didn’t go as planned. Jacob Seed was supposed to die that day, and even if he didn’t, as long as Peggies died, the mission would be a success.  
But nothing went the way they wanted. One casualty was reported, not even dying right away. Jacob Seed found someone that keeps his men alive by the skin of their teeth, a thorn in the Whitetail’s side.

His head snaps up as a shot cracks through the air. So his ears didn’t betray him before. Someone is definitely shooting. His head swivels around, straining to listen for anything that might indicate the direction of the sound. The next shot booms through the air, his pulse rises. Fingers curl around the barrel of the rifle as the realization hits him that the second shot was a high caliber weapon. A sniper is sitting in the woods behind the Center.

Another shot.

Quieter again, a handgun perhaps. Scanning eyes rake across his field of vision. His position is too revealing if someone is actively scoping out the scenery. His feet carry him a few meters deeper between the trees, the small branches of the bush he slides into scratch up his face. Another strike of sound rips through the air, his scope is back before his eyes. His chest hurts from suppressing his breath as to make as little noise as possible. The handgun sounds off again, a cold feeling makes its way up his throat. Someone with a .50 cal against someone with a handgun? Did he get into a firefight?

But no bullets fly his way and the shots eventually stop. The noise has chased away any bird that might’ve sat in the trees, only the light breeze around his head stimulates his ears. Dirt and debris gets under his clothes as he inches forward ever so slightly. Did hear just hear someone speak? A light chime of a women’s voice travels up to where he lays. The edge of the cliff gets closer as he crawls onwards. A deeper voice answers the woman, he recognizes the voice and his heartrate spikes again. It’s him, out in the open, probably unprotected.

The instant the thought has crossed his mind, his body heats up with anticipation. His forehead gets clammy as his body ramps up his senses, this is a chance he will never get again in his life. He’s almost at the edge now, quickly turning off the radio on his hip. If someone were to call him now with Jacob Seed in proximity, he would never return home. The safety on his rifle is always off, you can’t spend precious seconds twiddling with it if a wild animal is hurling itself towards you, but he checks again just in case.

His heart thumps with every inch of the picture before him coming into view. Jacob has his back turned to him, he grips his rifle harder. His own rifle is slung around his body, he won’t have it in hand fast enough to react when he’ll shoot him in the back. He’s clearly distracted with something, or someone?

His brows knit together as small hands sneak around Jacob’s back and into his hair. There’s another pair of feet in front of him, the person clearly female with the comparison of the sizes. Small noises emanate from the pair, the woman makes little, almost distressed noises. His brain takes double the time to process the image in front of him. The concepts of kissing anyone, showing emotion or physical closeness and Jacob Seed are so far apart in his worldview that he doesn’t believe what his eyes show him at first. The Seeds are not capable of any of those things. They put on the front of a loving community. It’s all an act, under the surface, everything is rotten.  
  
He’s not sure if disgust or fear travels up his spine. Fear of Jacob Seed finding himself interrupted or watched while displaying emotions or affection of any kind. His head ducks down as the two forms under him pull apart, luckily for him, the woman is all encompassed by Jacob so her eyes don't wander up to his spot. Her cheeks are flushed, her glossy eyes look at him with such adoration he almost feels sorry for her being deceived by all the lies the Seed family have probably spoon fed her. And now she’s in the literal clutches of the oldest Seed brother. His teeth grit together as visuals of brainwashing flood his mind. So Jacob Seed doesn’t only turn innocent people into pawns doing his dirty work, not even women are safe from the sick fuck.

The woman’s black hair that falls around her slender features is familiar though. His mind rifles through the pictures they have back at the Den of all Peggies that occupy vital rolls within the cult. The thing about her that stood out him were her exceptionally dark eyes. The picture connects with the name written under it in the folder.

L. Murdock. Primary medical provider.

Out of Illinois, time of recruitment unclear, just appeared in Hope County one day, very late twenties. And apparently Jacob Seed’s favorite plaything. Is she the only one? Does he keep a harem of them? He wouldn’t put it past Jacob, always on a self-aggrandizing quest for ever-increasing control over others.

He’s going to have to ask about her.

As the two step apart and make their way back to the dreary building in the distance, his finger twitches on the trigger again. This could be the chance to take him out. But Eli’s words resonate in his head again.

_If there is the slightest chance of you not killing him 100%, do not engage him. His death has to send a message._

The rifle on his back is the only reason Jacob doesn’t end up with a bullet in his head right this instant. Even if he gets a good shot in, the woman is armed as well. He keeps his rifle on them until they disappear out of his sight, nonetheless. Better safe than sorry.

Eli’s face isn’t readable when he gets back to the Den. He knows more than him about her, it’s clear. He doesn’t know where Eli gets the information about the inner workings of the cult, but he also doesn’t really care.

All he wants is that the tumor that is Jacob Seed be finally cut out of his happy memories in the Veteran’s Center.

\---

Leah’s whole body vibrates when the door closes behind her, the orchestra is back, still playing the symphony at full force. No one is in the room with her luckily, everybody gone out to work already. Shaky hands pry the suddenly heavy leather jacket off her shoulders. The skin of her face is warm as she rubs it with her hands. She floats back to her bunk with light steps to put away her clothes to get into her scrubs.

For a moment, she has to sit down. Her body isn’t used to the flood of feelings and emotions that have filled her up for the last minutes. All of her emotional landscape was muted the last few months, Jacob filled it with color and sounds that reverb throughout her. Her breathing gets heavy when she thinks back to the kiss for the fourth time in a row. They parted ways mere minutes ago, but it’s all that occupies her mind ever since then. The feeling of the broad and taught strings of muscles under her hands. The softness of his hair between her fingers. His taste on her lips.

Her hand finds its way onto the back of her neck where he held her in place. The coil in her stomach is winding up again as she thinks of the slithers of electricity that surged through her, him seemingly filing her up with his energy. She shivers involuntarily, she’s going to need a cup of tea to somewhat ground her into reality again.

Stephanie ogles her when she comes onto the ward to switch places with her. Leah’s never believed the mystery of people glowing in these types of situations. But she feels it within her. A shine that permeates every fiber of her, soft yellow light that fills her and shines outside of her. It’s silly, she thinks as she scrubs down her hands, it was just a kiss. It doesn’t have to mean anything. Where’s the guarantee that Jacob feels the same as her in the slightest? What if he has other things on his mind? Leah’s obviously warm wax in his hands, that’s been clear from the start. All the experience that she has with the opposite gender was never about feelings or any of the sort like that. It was always her physical body that was desired, not the person that Leah was deep inside.  
But it was a kiss that Leah’s been unknowingly waiting for her entire life. Feelings bubble to the surface she’s never had about anyone.

For the first time in her life, she chooses to hold onto the hope that it’s not how she imagines. She holds on to the hunch that Jacob may actually care for her as a person and actively spits in the face of the events in the recent past. They’ve made her a negative, nervous person that always expects the worst. Not anymore. She chooses to be a positive person, God has put challenges in her way to become what she is today. Just like the Father said.

She thumbs the cross around her neck for the first time in months and closes her eyes as she prays in silence.

\---

The dining hall is crowded as she shuffles through the people towards a place to sit. The dishes on her tray clink and wobble as she approaches a table with one other person sitting at it. The people are starting to come inside for their meals again, it’s an unwritten rule that you eat at your post. But the cold forces even the toughest inside, no one wants to shiver while eating.  
  
The man sitting at the table looks up as she takes her place across from him. He greets her with a strange familiarity, but Leah’s never seen him. The hall is loud around her as she starts to eat. Her newfound positivity is almost helping her to push the fork between her lips, every bite counts now.

“How’s the marksmanship coming along?”, the man across from her suddenly asks.

She coughs as the sip of water she takes gets stuck in her throat. Is that story of the nurse practitioner with the gun already going around that quickly? She takes another sip to calm her scratching throat down.

“I’m sorry, what?”

The man laughs to himself and Leah’s face contorts in confusion. She looks over him for anything that she might recognize and it’s not until he taps his fingers on the table, she notices the bandage around his wrist.

“Conn-“, her hands slap over her mouth as his eyes go wide at the mention of his name.

Leah quickly apologizes as his eyes dart around the room. Nobody seemed to have heard her. It would be difficult with the cacophony of voices around them.

“Where’s your… you know?”, Leah circles around her head with her finger to badly signal him about his mask.

He looks even lankier with just a black long sleeve shirt on. Leah’s never imagined what he looked like without his mask. He doesn’t look young, but not exactly old either. Scars are dotted around his face, small parts of his beard are missing where the hair doesn’t grow in anymore. He’s handsome nonetheless, high cheekbones, dark eyes and even though he looks tall and lanky, his build is fairly muscular.

His eyes crinkle as he laughs again.

“Vacation, you should try it. Well, more like a couple days off.”, he answers.

It’s Leah’s turn to chuckle. She can’t remember her last vacation, the fact that Chosen even get something that is dubbed “vacation” is funny to her in a morbid way.  
  
They continue talking over their meal. Connor informs her that he’s glad that Leah learned something from him, all he got from Jacob was an approving nod, but that’s the highest praise he’ll probably ever manage. Leah curls her toes as he asks how the morning with Jacob went. She manages to talk about it nonchalant, tells him about their contest and ends the story there. He nods along and tells her that losing 5-3 is more than other people around here would manage.

They part ways shortly after, Leah tells him to unwind on his days off.

The room is quiet as she enters it for the second time today. She’s glad that her bedtime is skewed that much earlier or later than the others, so she gets to fall asleep alone.

She’s hesitant to step under the stream of hot water. It feels like she’d wash off the day and with it Jacob’s touch. Throughout the day her hand found its way into her hair and the back of her neck often, reminiscent of his touch. Her nose leads her to believe that she can still smell him on her, even though she’s changed clothes and their encounter has passed for hours. In the end she does wash herself though, her memory is vivid enough, she knows it.

Jacob has instructed her to continue her training on her own, or at least until Connor is back with her. Then they’ll look into getting her something that packs a little more punch. Leah’s not opposed to it like she was with the Glock, her subconscious has connected guns with Jacob and a positive feeling, her gut tells her it’s good to keep it going, maybe she can elicit another kiss out of him after a contest.

She freezes, holding the lid of her crate half open. The whole day seemed to pass by her in a blur, but she wasn’t so out of it that she’d put her dirty shoes back into the crate with her other clothes.  
The nervousness is back when her brain mixes both scenarios as she can’t remember putting them in the crate. She didn’t, she knows. How much can she trust her own mind? It hasn't been very reliable lately. 

One thing she remembers clearly though, is her leather jacket not being zipped up as she threw it into the crate, after all, she’s going to put it on in the morning.  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've curated a playlist full of songs that inspired Hell And You.  
> Find it under: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5W8vbMbpexLvI083ZdlBSw?si=zL7KkHFRQduaqyLaRWTB6g
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, comments and Kudos are appreciated!

Nimble and fast fingers unwrap the bandage from around Connor’s wrist. The skin is a smooth plane, just as Leah had predicted. A long breath leaves him as he slumps back into the chair. The light is soft and muted by the curtain around them, the sun seems desperate to project the last of her strong rays onto the earth on this cold morning. His wrist is cleaned up quick and his sleeve drawn over it with a sense of relief from Connor. His face is unreadable yet again under the red mask, his little ‘vacation’ over. It’s the last day for him in the Center, Jacob is sending the Chosen all over the Whitetail Mountains for patrols and to set up cameras to monitor every inch of his region.

Reports had been coming in more frequently these last few weeks. The Whitetail Militia is actively challenging Eden’s Gate. Roadblocks had been ambushed and supply trucks were looted. Words reach Leah’s ears that outposts are being set up along all major roads, the Veteran’s Center becoming too far out and too small to be the base of operations. Dreadful nausea sits in Leah’s stomach constantly, every time someone other than Stephanie speaks to her, she’s expecting that Jacob got caught in one of the ambushes. The light of their encounter has long faded, she misses the small clinks of his dog tags, the shine of his red hair and the glare of his blue eyes, even if she feels exposed every time he looks at her. She gets to see him only in passing, when her eyes and limbs are heavy after the night, only sleeping for a few hours, sometimes being woken up to handle emergencies.

Leah looks over to Stephanie that lies in one of the beds. Her papery skin is almost grey. Shiny strands of hair fall around her sunken in face, Leah can only wash her in the bed, she’s not able to walk for long enough to get her in the shower. Leah can handle a bigger workload than she usually has with ease for a few days. But Stephanie’s been sick for two weeks now and there’s no healing in sight. Everything points to mono, from her swollen lymph nodes and sore throat to her high fever.  
Never in her life has she missed the ability to order lab results more than now. Or be able to take an ultrasound. Leah’s 90% sure her diagnosis is right but seeing the words Epstein-Barr virus on a piece of paper or an enlarged spleen on a monitor would give her complete peace of mind.

A full bag of saline solution replaces the infusion of painkillers on the IV stand. Stephanie stirs as the cold liquid enters her blood stream on the back of her hand. The only times she’s awake is for Leah to feed her small portions of soup, her voice like gravel when she croaks out about her sore throat.

“You want some ice?”, Leah tentatively asks, not knowing if Steph’s actually awake.

The nod is so small she almost misses it. A touch to Steph’s forehead reveals the fever’s still there. A heavy sigh escapes Leah as she turns around to get the ice. Her throat constricts as tears sting in her eyes. Her whole body feels empty and full of exhaustion at the same time, the lack of sleep, the worrying and the workload all make Leah exist on the brink of tears. Sometimes she wishes that crying wasn’t her outlet, because it’s exactly that, an outlet. Everyone can see you crying, there’s no hiding your feelings when they spill out of you.  
She wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath, it’s not going to help anything now.  
  
Stephanie lets out a small sigh when she places the bag of ice wrapped in a cloth on her throat. Leah wishes she had ice cream at her disposal, it made her own hospital visit a lot more manageable when she came down with mono herself. She feels bad when she has to feed Stephanie cold soup and oatmeal. But those luxuries are long behind her, she never thought she’d miss something so simple as ice cream or chocolate.

The day creeps along, sometime in the afternoon Kelly comes to help her. Leah doesn’t really know what her occupation at the Center is, but she’s helped her before when she first came to the Center, so she knows her way around the ward enough for Leah to lay down for a short time in one of the beds.

She draws the curtain, and her eyes fall shut under the weight of exhaustion as her ears drown out all the external noises. She’s enveloped by wool when she drifts off into a deep and uneventful slumber.

\---

A sharp sting of light and noise wakes her again, she rolls over onto her other side but immediately howls out as her holster pushes into her leg. Her body is pulled upright, a wave of nausea floods through her at the sudden movement. Her mind sputters to life like an old motor, slow and gurgling. She swings her feet off the bed as little pricks of light flash across her vision from rubbing her eyes. In front of her stands a Chosen, tall as a tree, extending a hand towards her in a motion to get up. Kelly stands behind him two or three meters, a worried look on her face.

“What’s going o-“, Leah grumbles.

“Outpost got attacked, several people shot, we need your help.”, he interrupts her.

His words jumpstart her mind into overdrive, Jacob’s out there, he could be hurt.

“Kelly, Steph needs to eat soon, get her something cold, if she’s in pain, there’s infusions on the left shelf in the storage.”, she yells out to her as she gathers the basic supplies into a bag.

“Uh, what if-, Leah I, I can’t-“, Kelly’s voice is shaking vigorously.

Leah joins the Chosen that is already on his way to the door.

“You’ll be fine Kelly.”

Her mind is clouded with images of bullet casings and red hair smeared with blood. The rubber of her sneakers squeak on the freshly cleaned floor as she falls into a light jog trying to keep up with the strides of the Chosen. The cold hits her like a wall when they exit the building, goosebumps erupting on every part of her body exposed to the cold. She grits her teeth and swallows down the initial reaction to the temperatures, there are more important things.  
The backpack rattles as she swings it onto the seat between her and the Chosen in the truck. Her door hasn’t even completely closed when the engine roars to life and they take off.

Anticipation bubbles in her stomach. The parallel is blaringly obvious. The call comes in, preparations are made and then you wait. The feeling crescendos until the doors of the ER open up and you get your first look at your task. Her eyes fall closed as she thanks the Heaven’s for guiding her into Emergency Medicine as her specialty. Another disappointment in her parents’ book, Family Care was supposed to be her way to go, but she knew deep down in her heart where she was meant to be.  
The same swelling feeling climbs in her now as her bones rattle on the cold leather seat of the truck.

But the feeling is laced with muted fear of the unknown. She knows nothing. When she sits in the ER she has a comprehensive list from the paramedics and even if she’s left in the dark she has a team and all the tools of modern medicine at her disposal. She’s on her own in Hope County, even though her family is gigantic, she feels alone in her work sometimes. The memories of her having a midnight ‘lunch’ with her colleagues in the break room seem centuries ago.

Her thoughts are jumbled as they take a sharp turn, and her seatbelt digs into her shoulder. The Chosen drives at a ruthless pace, it doesn’t help with her anxiety, their speed mirroring the urgency of the situation. She clutches the backpack of supplies to keep it safe from the constant shaking of the truck, the tools inside it sensitive. Her teeth clatter with the cold now, she’s painfully reminded of the absence of her long sleeved shirt and leggings that she foolishly threw in the crate, thinking her weight gain would solve her problem.

Her knuckles go white around the bar on the car door as the take another sharp turn into the woods. The rough trail, clearly not meant to be driven on, makes the metal and plastic inside the truck vibrate. Thankfully, the tree line clears after a short while and the road dips down as they approach an array of houses along the river. Cars are parked in no particular order outside, Leah’s feet turn cold at the sight of the holes dotted along the sides of them.  
The backpack feels heavy on her cold shoulders when she gets out of the truck, the Chosen already taking off to the main building.

It’s quiet. Leah doesn’t know what she expected. But the silence is unnerving, her eyes dart around between the cars, the buildings, and the trees. The Chosen yells out to her from the front door of the house. She scurries over to the large wooden house that has a big wooden sign on it. This used to be a boat renting service, Leah wonders where the owners are and what they would think about their home and boats all being riddled with bullet holes. The body she almost trips over harshly pulls her back into reality. She apologizes abashed in passing, it falls on deaf ears.

“How many?”, Leah croaks out as she crosses the threshold of the house.

“Don’t know. Get to Jacob first.”, the Chosen answers her.

Time slows as she moves through a thick fog towards the door the man points to. Her nightmare is real, for once all her worries were right. He’s here and he’s hurt. Out of all the places Jacob could be, he’s here. She waits for a laugh from the Chosen, it’s all a joke, but he takes off in another direction, the punchline of the joke never spoken. The chill in her bones is a different one, her joints are frozen, she aches.  
Prayer after prayer leaves her as she approaches the door. He has to be okay, of course he’s okay. He’s Jacob Seed, he’s untouchable.

A different hand than hers pushes down the handle on the door, she doesn’t want to enter. As long as she doesn’t see anything, it doesn’t exist, it’s not real.  
The room is flooded with light, papers are strewn about on the floor, various bits and bobs peppered between them. A cold breeze pinches her ears through a broken window. He sits on an old armchair, slid down, his legs stretched out in front of him. The rifle on his lap looks like a bar keeping him stuck on the chair.

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”, his voice is quiet.

She approaches him cautiously, his eyes are dark, an injured wolf stares at her. Unable to move, but not unable to fight. His hair is tussled, a spot of blood on his cheek and the front of his shirt. The hunting knife is in its holster, along with his pistol. Her eyes get trapped by the dark pool under his leg. She swallows, her usual plan of action doesn’t slot into place, her thoughts are all over the place.

Again, she’s frozen. Jacob cocks his head to the side and looks down at his leg. His situational awareness doesn’t sit right with Leah for some strange reason. She’s the one who’s supposed to be levelheaded and to the point. Movement from him and a subsequent noise of pain cracks the glass wall she’s been trapped behind. She winces at the sharp pain in her knees as she drops down beside him. Shaky hands pull back the zipper of the backpack, she rummages through the contents of it, is everything she needs on the bottom?  
She halts for a moment, there’s something she’s missing. Did she bring gloves? Another rummage through the backpack reveals a whole box of them, she struggles to pull them onto her hand like she did back in college.

“You don’t have to be that easy on the merchandise, I can handle it.”, why does he sound so casual after being shot?

She only pulls marginally harder on his shoelaces, the blood makes them slippery. The same blood coats her hair as she pulls her ponytail tighter. Jacob makes a clearly fake noise of sadness as scissors split open his pant leg up to his knee. She screws her eyes shut, his casual demeanor makes her insides churn.  
Leah’s arm in front of her mouth does a horrible job of concealing the strangled noise that leaves her as she pulls back the material covering Jacob’s leg. Diluted blood drips onto the floorboards, saline solution mixing in with it to ease the frayed edges of the jeans off the back of his calf.

Even though nausea is completely absent from her body, she halts for a moment as her throat burns with acid, if she’s to get sick now, she can never look Jacob in the eye again. So many images flash through her mind, each injury more gruesome than the next, nothing she’s ever seen makes her want to hurl as much as the chunk missing out of the back of Jacob’s leg.  
  
There’s a hand on her cheek. She barely registers it as the thumb swipes across her cheek, and with it spreads a strange wetness. Leah doesn’t realize tears are rolling down her face until Jacob makes a small hush noise as she sucks in a shaky breath, still looking at his leg. It’s the second time she sits in front of him crying while treating him for an injury, Leah doesn’t like the pattern she sees. She swallows hard and wipes her cheeks with her own arm after Jacob’s hand leaves her face.  
  
“Was it-“, Leah clears her throat, she sounds like she’s screamed for hours.

“Was it a high caliber?”

Jacob shifts, a small wince escaping him.

“Hell if I know angel, the guess isn’t far off, though.”, he tells her in a low voice, as if he’s talking about the weather.

The bullet only grazed the leg, to his saving grace. The bone is intact, blood isn’t spilling pulsatile, instead it’s a steady ooze of dark red. Jacob asks her what’s wrong when she sighs heavily. Leah only shakes her head, her features softening up a little bit.  
  
_He’s going to be okay, and he’s not going to lose a limb._

Leah repeats the sentence over and over in her head as she sets out supplies on a surgical drape on the floor. Circumstances like these have become a new normal for her. Long gone are the days of stainless-steel appliances and the smell of antiseptics and rubber. The creaking of the wood is perfectly normal to Leah as she walks across the room to get a chair for Jacob to elevate his leg on. The pool of blood on the ground isn’t big, but who knows how long it took him to get here after sustaining the injury. He doesn’t show immediate outward signs of shock, which somewhat calms Leah down. But she knows better than to rely on outward appearance, his breathing is elevated on the second look.

“Give me your hand.”

“Uh uh, say the word.”

She can’t believe this. The guy sits there with a piece of his leg missing and still has the audacity to joke around with her.  
He huffs as she unceremoniously takes his wrist in her hands to feel for his pulse. At least he keeps quiet as Leah stares at her watch and counts. 100 beats per minute, slightly elevated. Stage 2 of onsetting shock, she’ll better make this quick. 

Plastic crinkles as Leah fishes out a hemostatic bandage to pack the wound, it had been the first thing that was on her supply list after the incident with Fisher. Even though her surroundings have changed while providing emergency care, her demeanor has pretty much stayed the same, the people in Hope County are only humans as well, what has worked back in the hospital works here as well. So to distract Jacob from the pain of packing the gauze into his wound she just starts talking.

She tells him how the bandage promotes blood clotting, it’s the first time she’s ever used it on someone. Jacob nods along, his eyes are fixated on her hands that work on his leg, the occasional twitch of pain here and there. Another package tears open and reveals a gray bandage. Jacob laughs under his breath.

“Haven’t seen one of those in a long time.”

Leah looks down at the Israeli bandage in her hands. Of course, Jacob’s a vet, these bandages are a staple with combat medics. She thinks of all the scars on Jacob’s body as the wound disappears beneath the bandage. She wonders where he’d gotten them, during deployment, after his service? How much of his body do they cover? She bans the thoughts from her hand as she tightens the bandage through the pressure applicator and pulls it in the opposite direction. It’s not her place to think about things like this.

Her anxiety about Jacob being injured makes way for her other senses again. A gust of cold air finds its way under her shirt and an involuntary shiver runs through her as she gathers her supplies back into the backpack.

“Bit underdressed, huh?”, Jacob says over her.

“Didn’t exactly have time to put on something when the Chosen dragged me out of bed.”, Leah replies while taking off her gloves and throwing them into a nearby trash can next to a desk.

“I’m sorry for disturbing your beauty sleep angel.”, Jacob’s tone is mocking in a playful way.

Just as Leah turns to ask him when ‘angel’ replaced ‘dollface’ in his ever expanding trove of pet names, the door crashes open with two men bolting through it. Leah’s dragged to the ground before she can say anything, the man pulling her towards the wall under the window. Her first instinct is to thrash out at the man, but she stops herself as Jacob comes down next to her, the other man at his side. His face is contorted in pain, teeth clenched and forehead in wrinkles.

“The Whitetails came back, Thomas and the others are outside to engage them.”

Just as the man next to Jacob finishes speaking shards of glass rain over Leah and the bullet strikes the wall opposite to them.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Leave me some kudos and/or a comment if you have the time <3

“Gun.”, Jacob grits out between his teeth.

Another hole joins the first in the wall. Then another. Glass shards fall out of her hair into her lap as she turns her head to Jacob. Every round leaving the rifle of the man next to her makes her heart skip a beat.

There’s a pause, both men look up from their scopes to scan the area. The pain in Leah’s ears and head is excruciating, a steady whistle gnaws at her eardrums. Did Jacob say gun? What did he mean by gun? A glance at him shows him unloading his rifle, counting the round he has left in his magazine. Then the shooting starts again, Leah yelps as a vase on the windowsill opposite to them topples over and shatters.

“Leah, your gun.”, Jacob says again, with more emphasis.

A deep line cuts through the plane of his forehead. His eyes screw together as Leah sees him trying to flex his foot. A shout of ‘don’t do that’ sits in her throat but her voice has disappeared. So has her ability to process information apparently. Jacob repeats himself for a third time before Leah’s fingers begin to fumble the cold piece of metal out of its holster.

Just like the first time a dying patient was under her hands, her mind is blank. Completely wiped. Back then, she had a team around her. People that grounded her into the world, knowing that it’s not uncommon for people to stall under stress. But the gun feels foreign, like the first time she picked it up. She had always thought it would give her a sense of security if she were ever to get into a situation like this. But there’s nothing.

The world around her shakes violently, for a split second she’s glad, it masks her trembling hands. The next second she clutches her ears as her sense of hearing is being packed in wool, only penetrated by a loud whirring. More glass shards rain over her, the window now completely blown out of its frame. Another explosion rocks the house and her resolve finally shatters. Her legs twitch with the urge to run, her backpack sits in front of her, a couple meters away. If she can just grab it and bolt, she’ll be fine, she knows.

The reason she’s still stationary puts his hand on her thigh. The squeeze somewhat brings her back to herself.

Leah’s panicked gaze is greeted by impossibly hard blue irises. A lake frozen over, trapping everything underneath it in icy depths. His mouth that Leah longs for so feverish is drawn into a thin line, his chest rising and falling slowly. He stands in stark contrast to her own frenzied puffs of breath and restless eyes. She can’t flee, so every fiber in her body screams at her to crawl into his arms and hide and she almost gives in. Almost.

It’s hard to discern which of the seemingly hundreds of shots going off at the same time hit the man behind Jacob, but he crashes to the ground, nonetheless. His rifle lays over his head, like an extension of his consciousness. Curses leave his mouth as he holds his side, every breath drawn produces a hiss Leah hears between the chopped up silence in between shots. It feels so utterly selfish, but Leah can finally focus on something other than her fear. She lurches forward towards the bag sitting next to the armchair. The explosion has tipped it over, the top half is red with Jacob’s blood.

“No.”, Jacob says as he pulls her back harshly by the shoulder.

Her voice is still lost, somewhere buried underneath her fear, so she only manages to look between the man and Jacob.

“You’re next if you crawl into view.”, his voice is muted, only the dark undertones sound out from him.

All she needs is a chest seal. A small piece of adhesive plastic, and the man is further away from mortal danger. Jacob sees her thoughts on her face, and he knows she will crawl over to the bag if he lets her. Her back is forced against the wall by him, his left arm over her chest barring her from moving. Leah’s acceptance of his choice for her is dampened by the ragged breathing next to Jacob. The eyes of the man are darting around, he pleads for his life. Leah barely registers Jacob’s radio crackling to life with static.

The man’s skin is flush with a violet sheen, the tension in his chest puts pressure on his heart and blood vessels, which makes the veins in his neck protrude. Leah knows he only has minutes left, a tension pneumothorax kills quick. She gathers the last of her might to push against Jacob’s arm, but his grip isn’t letting up. His head turns to her, radio up to his mouth, the man on the other line questioning the sudden stop of words.

“He’s dying.”, Leah croaks out.

Jacob looks to the man next to him that is in the last stages of consciousness. Short and shallow breaths leave his open mouth. Half lidded eyes look up to Jacob, a hand reaching out to cling onto him. Words tumble from his mouth, breathy and barely understandable.

“Jacob please, I can help him. I just need the backpack.”

The hand of the man is covered by another. Tension leaves his face for a short while, Jacob’s touch calming him. He slips into unconsciousness a moment later, death can’t be far away. Leah’s head hangs low as the man draws his last breaths. Strangely, it doesn’t stir up the amount of emotion she would expect after a preventable death. Jacob takes the hand of the body to pick up the radio again, his other arm still holding onto Leah’s left shoulder.

“I’d let all of them die to keep you safe.”, he says more to his radio than to Leah.

His words don’t comfort her. It’s not fair. She swore an oath at graduation.

Then again, her own life is in danger. The decision makes sense. She can’t get her thoughts in order, so she shuts them out. Now’s not the time to think about morals and ethics.

Jacob’s arm lifts off her chest and with it a load of pressure. Clarity comes to her as she listens. And hears… nothing.  
No shots, no voices, nothing.

Her head cranes up to the man standing next to her, he’s looking through his scope still. Body rigid as a board, knuckles white around the grip on his rifle. Is it over?

“They’re regrouping. I’ve seen em’ skitter around in the woods.”, he grumbles out.

The moment he finishes speaking the door swings open. A current runs through Leah as she raises her arms gripping the gun. She never thinks about if she’s able to shoot a human being, and she doesn’t know in this moment. Luckily for her, the man in the door wears a red mask.

“Took your sweet fucking time. How’s it looking?”, Jacob inquires beside her.

“Waterway’s clear. Johnson and Dixon are holding them off on the west side. Reinforcements from the Center are on the way. We got one ready for you, sir.”

The Chosen speaks fast but precise, Jacob shifts next to her immediately. Leah flinches in place for him as he gets up onto both feet and squats next to her. He shouldn’t be able to walk, the pain has to be unbearable. Jacob motions the Chosen over to them.

“You’ll be with her, not one hair harmed on her, too valuable.”, he turns to Leah.

“Whatever happens, you keep your head down. The dock is out the back door, do not lift your head. Understood?”, Leah nods at him wide eyed.

Her eyes wander to the backpack again, she can’t leave it. Too many precious supplies they need. Jacob takes notice, clicking his tongue.

“Fuckin fuck Leah, really? Carver, get the backpack.”, Leah casts her eyes down.  
  
It really looks like she values her supplies over anything, and she does in a sense. What good is she without with them? Carver crawls over to the chair, catching the bag at exactly at an arm’s length away from him, not moving an inch further than he has to.  
  
Jacob gives her a look, she averts her eyes, she doesn’t need this.

Her knees scrape across the floor, her hands are covered in grime from crawling on the floor. Her head snaps to the windows behind her every two seconds, checking to see if she’s still out of view. Jacob’s ahead of her and the Chosen named Carver. The bandage around his leg is holding up, Leah can’t see any dark spots indicating he’s bled through them. The sunlight shines through the glass of the door Jacob talked about. A splinter finds its way into her hand as they wipe across the floor between the counter and an old leather sofa. She stops to pull at the piece of wood stinging in her hand.

The bullet strikes the floorboard she would have been on a second later. Shouts reverb through the room from behind her and from Jacob ahead of them. She doesn’t know how she ends up behind the counter clutching onto the backpack for dear life. Her brain turned off the cognitive senses in favor of basic survival. Her heart bangs against her ribs so hard she feels it in her throat. Carver sits beside her, cursing. A look to her left reveals the door swung open. So Jacob got out, a stone falls from her heart.

“We have to run. There’s no other option.”, Carver utters next to her.

Leah’s breath forces itself out of her lungs so fast that they burn. Another bullet strikes the counter, the cracking noise of the wood crawls under Leah’s skin. Her flight response triggers throughout her again and Carver’s statement of running fuels the fire further. She gets onto her feet, the door the only thing she focuses on.

“Carver, you have any smokes on you?”, Jacob’s voice booms from outside.

His hands fly up to his chest, tapping himself down in search. His hands are frantic, he stops over a particular spot and shoves his hand inside his coat, rummaging around. His back slumps against the counter with a sigh as he produces a grey cylinder from his coat. He looks to Leah, eyes hard with determination.

“When this thing goes off, you wait a second and then you run like hell.”, Leah can only nod at him again.

“For the Father.”, he grits out between his teeth before pulling the pin out.

Her ears are ringing once again as the grenade goes off, filling the room with thick, dark smoke. Carver takes off after her, only managing to shut the door a split second before the building is riddled with bullets, the glass in the door raining down upon him.

The boat sways under their feet as Carver and Leah both help Jacob into it. They’re joined by another two Chosen, Johnson and Dixon as Leah finds out when Jacob barks at them ‘to hurry the fuck up and get a move on with the boat’. The motor sputters to life, just like Leah when she was rattled awake about an hour and a half ago. The sky tuns grey behind the mountains as they take off from the dock at a neck breaking pace.

She sits at the side of the boat, legs drawn up to her chest, arms folded in front of her. Images of a hunting knife, coated in crimson flash before her eyes, the smell of old sweat passes over her, tough that just might be one of the men in the boat with her. Her heart is heavy. Memories flood her brain again as she’s not numb from being torn between fight or flight. Her limbs tremble, not only because of the cold wind whirring around her.

Jacob’s face from across her is unreadable again. His eyes are still hard, the icy stare matching Leah’s own body temperature perfectly. She flicks her eyes down to his bandaged leg in a silent question and he nods at her.  
Jacob mirrors her with inquiring eyes as the water splashes around them. Leah doesn’t know what to tell him, there’s so much, but also nothing at all. She wants to sleep, for a long time.  
  
All the pent up feelings and unspoken words she has inside her hit her in a wave of nausea as Jacob nudges her foot with his own as a gesture of encouragement. The release over the side of the boat feels good for some reason, purging something of herself feels like she’s leaving some of the weight of today behind in the river.

\---

Everything looks the way she left it. Stephanie is still lying there, the curtain of her bed is still drawn to the side, the covers almost falling off it when she jumped off the bed. Kelly’s at her side the moment she steps foot into the ward.

“I told you you’d be fine Kelly, stop worrying all the time.”, Leah tells her with a lopsided smile.

The soft and big arms of the older woman guide her to the bed to sit on. She’s enveloped by the weight of the blanket. Kelly tells her she’s ice cold to the touch. It’s a perfect reflection of her insides. Her joints ache again, the cup of tea Kelly shoves into her hands a moment later helps to bring some warmth back into her again. A short conversation about Stephanie confirms that her state is unchanged. Although she talked and ate more, at least it’s something to be happy about.  
  
The bed under her is like a siren calling to her, more than anything in the world, she wants to fall to her side and close her eyes. But there’s an affair waiting upstairs in a king-sized bed she needs to take care of. The bristles of the brush make the skin of her hand turn a light pink as she scrubs them for a second time to get rid of the grime from the floor of the house. For the second time today, she packs together supplies and heads out of the door, Kelly’s concerned eyes in her back.

To Leah’s surprise, all the windows are closed when she enters his room. Her thighs are still cold, but at least her feet and hands are warm. He lays on his side, facing away from the door, his leg dangling from the side of the bed. The room looks exactly like it did almost a year ago. Only the stacks of documents on the desk seem to have gotten bigger. A drawer from the dresser is half open, a shirt hanging out of it.

Jacob rises into a sitting position as she approaches him, setting the supplies down onto his desk. His hand finds hers somehow, turning her around to face him. Spring has reached his eyes, the pools no longer frozen. Leah sees little lines around his eyes, they’re soft as they search her face for something.

“You doing okay angel?”, he asks tentatively.

A sigh leaves Leah as she nods. It’s jarring to see him so unfazed by everything. Joking around after being shot, not shaken even a little bit at someone dying right next to him. Nodding isn’t enough for Jacob, he raises his eyebrows to get Leah to use her words.

“I’m tired to be honest. I just want to get this behind me so I can sleep.”, Leah tells him truthfully.

His thumb strokes over the back of her hand, the small touch pushes Leah into her tiredness even more.

“How are we gonna do this, doctor Murdock?”, he says, jokingly again.

Leah wants to tell him to shut up, stop with the silly remarks. She can’t smile at his comments. But it’s easier to just go along with it.

“First of all, not a doctor. Second, lay on your stomach, parallel to the headboard.”, Leah tells him as she pulls the gloves over her hands.

The chair from his desk is uncomfortable, but it has to do. She herself sits parallel to the side of the bed as she covers her thighs and part of the bed in surgical cloth. Jacob’s leg comes to rest on her thighs, Leah asking him to scoot further down to get better access. Every little movement he makes is underlined by a small noise from him, he’s in pain, but she knows he would never say or show it.

“Why didn’t you become a doctor?”, Jacob grumbles as Leah cuts away the bandage.

She can’t help the sigh escaping her. He didn’t get the message of, ‘I’m tired, please, let’s make this quick and silent’.

“My father’s one. Didn’t want to be like him. Also takes less time to become an NP.”, Leah answers quiet.

Jacob turns his head into the mattress as the bandage comes off and reveals the wound packed with gauze. A noise of approval leaves Leah, the gauze did its job well. More grunts from Jacob as she fishes out the soaked fabric out of the gash. Leah’s not going to ask if he wants anesthesia, the syringe pierces his skin with no questions asked. They can all use a method of relaxation at this point, Jacob’s a good of a person as any to use the limited supply on that they have.

“Family troubles, huh? Your daddy that bad of a man?”, Jacob asks her dryly.

Her eyes fall closed at his question, this is not the conversation she thought of having today, nor does she want to have it, even less with the man laying on the bed. The area around the wound is cleaned quickly, with every question and sentence, her hands move faster.

“Absent is more like it. I don’t really want to talk about it.”, Leah hopes he drops it.

Jacob doesn’t push further, she senses him going inward as she pulls the first stitch tight. The Father doesn’t make a secret out of the background the Seeds all come from, Leah hasn’t concerned herself much with it, tough. To her it doesn’t matter what was in the past, all she focuses on now is what Eden’s Gate will do in the future and how she can help to achieve the goal.

“You came here to get away from them?”, Jacob’s sudden question catches her off guard.

She looks up from her task and turns her head towards him to find him looking at her. His cheek rests on his arms, neck craned in her direction. What it would feel like to join him in the bed and just drift off?

“You think I left a job that paid a six-figure salary because I have issues with my family?”, Leah quips back at him.

The corners of his mouth turn up at her answer. She doesn’t know how much he knows, how much the Father told him, or if he told him anything even concerning her. He’s the only person that knows the entirety of her story, it’s not out of the question that Jacob knows about her being sent away. She was embarrassed of it at first, but that feeling has switched over to being embarrassed over the fact that her family controlled her even at her age. Aside from University, she’s never lived alone, cooked her own food, or took care of herself on her own. The next decade of her life is around the corner and the last year was the first time she ever had to fend for herself.

“Whatever the reason, you belong here.”

It’s her turn to smile as she cuts the last suture. She’s known it from the beginning, from the time the church doors swung open in front of her and she kneeled before the Father, relinquishing herself to him. He freed her of all the weight, Jacob lifts her even higher towards the Heavens. She can’t wait to sit with them at the table in the new Eden.

“Sit up, I’ll bandage your leg and then we’re done.”, Leah tells him, looking out the window at the last light fading behind the mountains.

All this time, she didn’t realize that Jacob had left his shoe behind at the house. He wears the other one still, Leah pulls at the laces after securing the bandage around his injured leg. He chuckles as he peels her hands off it, telling her that he can take care of it himself just fine. It clunks to the floor next to the bed behind Leah as she packs the supplies back into the back and disposes of the old bandage and gauze in the trashcan next to the desk.

Like a dancer at the ball being turned by her partner, she swings around once again by the hand until her knees hit the edge of the bed, Jacobs legs between hers. Big hands press on her lower back, nudging her closer until Jacob’s head comes to rest on her stomach. His face buried in her shirt, a breath leaves him, long and loud. There’s a point of exchange where their bodies are connected, both of them acting like a sponge for the tension flowing out of the other person. Leah's hands finds their way into his hair, lightly scratching and pulling as she rakes them through it.

“Stay a while angel.”, he murmurs into the fabric.

His hot breath creates a point of origin for heat to spread through Leah. Nothing in this world sound so appealing to just lay down and loose herself to sleep next to Jacob. The selfish side in her groans out, she can’t. She’s not about to tell Kelly to come up to Jacob’s room in an emergency, her place to rest is on the ward.

“I can’t. Stephanie is sick, I’m the only one on the ward.”

“Then kiss me goodbye at least.”

He’s already pulling Leah’s head down towards his when he speaks. She steadies herself on Jacob’s shoulders when their lips meet. She should be prepared, she knows what it feels like, yet her stomach twists and turns again as their lips move together. His lips are rough this time around, chapped from the cold.

This time, he’s hungry, exuding an energy that Leah’s never felt before. A hand hooks behind her thigh, thankfully she has a good grip on his shoulders as he pulls her onto his lap. As his body, tight, iron hard strains of muscle, coils around Leah, the kiss gets harder. His arm around her waist holds her in a vice grip, screwing tighter with every move she makes.  
The small moan that slips out of Leah is swallowed by him when his fingers press into her neck again.  
  
She’s caged between his chest and his arm, the way he always holds her with such ease makes her feel small yet protected. His own body heat mingles with Leah’s, fueling her desire, she’s burning with the desire of _more_.

More of him, his body, his hands, everything. Her brain overrides with carnal desire, hands roaming around his form, mapping every ridge and line she can feel. A deep rumble reverberates in his chest as Leah’s hips grind forward, he sounds almost exhausted as a groan slips from his lips, making something deep inside Leah twitch.  
Leah’s spark ignites Jacob, his hand wanders from her neck into her hair, a precautious tug checks if he’s within boundaries still.  
  
Her head falls back, accompanied by a drawn out mewl that Jacob answers with an appreciative grunt against her skin. Her body is exquisite against him, just like the rest of her. Her breath is quick against his chest, Leah imagines him feeling her hammering heart. The feeling of his lips on her skin mixed with the prickles of his beard make her mouth drop open, breathy sounds escaping her as he drags his teeth along her neck. His body is rigid around Leah, her hips move again as his tongue sneaks a little taste of her skin. The back of her head prickles as Jacob tugs at her hair, sharp and short.

Leah freezes at the soft knock on the door, her heart now beating a different way. Jacob’s forehead comes to rest on Leah’s shoulder as he leans forward into her, his arms supporting her back. His sigh edges on lamentation, Leah feels no different. She rakes her hand trough his hair one last time before she starts peeling herself out of Jacob’s grip.  
Her thighs strain as she lifts herself up from the bed, but not before Jacob sneaks one last peck on her lips.

The lights on the ward are dim, Kelly’s hands hug a steaming mug as she looks up to Leah. The room around her makes her body remember that her exhaustion didn’t disappear into Jacob. Her feet drag along the floor, with every step her eyes get heavier, she’s walking through water.

She blinks two times at the curtain before she’s pulled under by the current. Her last thought goes back to the house at the river where Jacob told her he’s willing to let people die for her.

_What a morbid way to tell someone you care about them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The location of the boat rental service is not in game, I just made it up to fit the narrative better :-)
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here, took me long enough. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Drop me a comment/leave kudos if you have the time <3

Leah’s fingers prickle with heat as the cup leaves her hand and Stephanie silently thanks her. The sun is growing weaker and weaker each day, soaking up the last rays before Hope County gets sugared in snow seems like a good idea. Stephanie’s mask sits on her chin as she sips at her tea, her nose scrunching up at the burn from the hot liquid.

The smallest precautions make the biggest difference to Leah now. The ward is as clean as it’ll ever be, the supply room is fully stocked, with other boxes full of material stowed away in the general storage area. Every variable is calculated, nothing that is preventable will go wrong. She can’t quite seem to shake the events at the boat rental. By no means is she hollowed out like she was with Sam and Susie, but nervousness is an old friend that has made itself a home atop her shoulders, pulling her head in all directions and throwing glances everywhere. Nobody seems to notice though just yet. Stephanie is barely climbing the hill back to health again, her white gown flowing down her legs until almost scraping the ground below the bench.

Leah can’t fault Stephanie for wanting to get outside, it’s a good excuse as any to catch a breath. She didn’t even protest when Leah made her wear a mask while they were walking through the Center, the IV stand chugging alongside her. Stephanie has had enough time to observe for her to catch onto Leah’s sudden urge to eliminate every possible source of trouble.

Steph’s voice is thin and rough like gravel as she asks Leah about what happened a couple days ago or if the sudden commotion was just another fever dream. Leah would love to tell her it was, as she recounts the events. Only certain moments and images flash through her mind every now and again, Leah has a hard time putting the events in order now that she says them out loud.  
Stephanie occasionally sips her tea as she listens, nodding here and there.

“How’s Jacob doing now?”, she inquires over her mug.

The corners of Leah’s mouth turn upward slightly as she speaks.

“Good for his circumstances. He’s a horrible patient, tough. Doesn’t listen to anything I say. I caught him walking without crutches to the dining hall the other day.”

Stephanie chuckles as Leah shakes her head. Obviously, Jacob wouldn’t be easy to manage. Trying to tell that man to stay in bed or walk with crutches and it almost seems like he’s trying to spite you by not doing any of these things. Leah can’t bring herself to be harder on him, telling him his wound might rip open doesn’t concern him anymore than what he’s going to eat for dinner, so she stopped trying.

The Veteran’s Center hasn’t stopped buzzing for weeks now, every day the soundscape on the front yard seems to get louder. It makes it hard to enjoy the sun with people constantly shouting, trucks arriving and leaving, and supplies being hauled. Leah hears murmurs in all corners of the Center about a “Gate” being set up. Jacob’s Armory is what they call it, an underground facility of the McKinley dam.

Her thoughts are interrupted by the noise suddenly dying down. She has no visual indication what as to what is going on, they sit around the corner from the yard, but there’s a single engine dying down and the thumps of what could be car doors closing reach her ears. A glance to Stephanie reveals her own confusion mirrored on her face. As fast as the noise died, it picks back up again, seemingly louder than before. The commotion filling her ears pushes out her thoughts about why it died down in the first place, she tries to not busy herself with things that are not vital to her survival too much these days.

Her hand holds Stephanie’s arm as they make their way back to the ward. Feet are scampering on the floor all around her, she’s reminded of a music video she once saw. The protagonist walks through a space at normal speed while the world and people around him speed past them. Leah wonders what MTV looks like these days, not that she’s ever seen much of it. If she was to watch such things it was usually in secret or at another person’s house where her parents couldn’t control what media she consumed.

Kelly guides Stephanie back into her bed, the fresh linen scent playing around Leah’s nose lets her know that Kelly changed the sheets while they were outside. The stack of documents on the desk taunts Leah as she looks at them, it’s about time she finishes them. After everything went down, Kelly offered to spend more time on the ward, Leah can finally sleep for an acceptable number of hours and even has time to teach Kelly some things. Stephanie is desperately needed back though, the building of the Gate brings along many injuries she has to treat.

Her fingers feel dry, the paper travelling through her hands suck out all the moisture from them. Her chest falls with an exhale after closing the drawer, making the documents disappear out of sight. She goes through her mental list for the day as she washes her hands in preparation for some much needed lotion. She can feel her pulse thumping in her throat as she recounts the days from the last time she saw Jacob, she has to check on him today, maybe even pull his stiches.  
She can’t suppress the smile on her face as she gathers supplies, nor can she hide it when she tells Kelly where she’s going and closing the door behind her.

Would Jacob care if people know that there was, well, something, between them? None of the Seeds have ever openly claimed a woman and fornication is something heavily frowned upon in Eden’s Gate. But even Leah isn’t naïve enough to think that people are completely abstinent. Her hand pushes her hair out of the way as she makes her way up the stairs towards Jacob’s room. The closer the door gets, the lower her stomach drops. God, she feels like a teenager again, her heart flutters like it did when little Tommy -or was it Lucas?- gave her a folded piece of paper during recess asking her to be his girlfriend.  
  
The door to Jacob’s room is so heavy, she still struggles to push it open. His face comes into view as the door opens wider, his back propped against the headboard of the bed. Thank god he’s finally sitting down for once and not pacing through the room. Her hand wants to take a piece of hair between its fingers, she knows her nervousness shows every time she enters the room. Instead, her hand glides over her neck, tracing the exact spot Jacob’s lips came down onto her skin.  
  
“Hey, sorry I’m later than usual, I’m here to look at your stitches again, can you turn-“

Leah freezes. The door had covered them before. Four pairs of blue eyes stare at her as she looks between Jacob and the other Seeds. Wait, four pairs of eyes? The woman stands the furthest from Leah and her glare leans on panic in contrary to the surprise in Joseph’s and the curiosity in John’s face.  
  
Apologies tumble from her mouth, the excitement in her stomach has made way for embarrassment, even a small shred of fear over what might happen with her after she barged in unannounced and seemingly with no respect to the family. The stare of the woman becomes more distressed as she watches Leah hang her head in shame and slowly retreat back to the door. Her mind is racing with scenarios about her future and how Jacob might react after they have left. The last time Leah saw Jacob with his family, things got ugly, and it was only Joseph back then.

“Again, Father, I am so sorry for interrupting, I didn’t mean-“, Leah cuts off yet again, this time because Joseph raises his hand.

His face is soft, almost pitiful as he speaks.

“My child, Leah, don’t worry. I was asking about you not a minute ago.”

Stones fall off her heart at his words, he’s not angry. And by the looks of it, John enjoys her cowering backwards like a beaten dog. His anger would worry Leah even more, this is the first time that Leah has seen him this up close since he carved her. His words from that day pass through her mind, making the black letters sting under her scrubs. John’s eyes scan her in a way that makes Leah’s toes curl, she feels immensely bad for her internal reaction, John saves people, the pain Leah felt by his needle was a sign of love and repentance, he wants nothing but the best for her.

“Get over here.”, it’s Jacob’s low hum that gets her out of her thoughts.

Joseph has to encourage her with a little nod to get to Jacob’s side. The woman takes a step back as Leah passes her, almost like she would be burned by her touch. As Leah gets to work on Jacob’s leg, he turned onto his side to give her better access, their conversation starts back up again. It’s nothing she should concern herself with, but she feels the burning stare of the woman on the back of her head. The lines in her face are deeper than when she usually concentrates, she doesn’t mind having an audience, but she’s in a room with the Seeds and the woman somehow seems connected to them.

Leah prods at the stitched wound, it’s healing well, so she should pull the stitches. She never thought she would disregard, no, bend the rules of her medical training, but Jacob’s been getting restless lately. The stitches could probably stay for a day or two more but he should be fine, and it would take Leah’s mind off one thing at least. The sutures are cut in a swift manner, pulled out even faster. At least Jacob stays still through everything, the last thing she needs is accidentally cutting him with the scalpel.

“Which is why she shall be the next one. And the last one.”, Joseph says as Leah presses the band aid on Jacob’s leg.

Leah feels out of place, she’s not supposed to be here. Jacob paid attention to her for about a second when he ordered her to his side and John just looked her up and down when she had entered the room. As she starts to gather her stuff and disposing of the old suture and the gauze, the room goes quiet. She knows the attention is on her, but she decides to play dumb and ignore it. The atmosphere is almost crushing her, she wants to leave badly.

“Sit back down Leah.”, Joseph tells her.

Leah gulps. Did she do something? No, did she not do something? Her hands fold in her lap as she looks to the Father. His face is unchanged from before, his gaze for Leah is always soft and comforting. Only ever during sermons does she see his eyes become hard and determined.  
Jacob is shifting next to her, bending his leg at the knee, testing out his now stitch-free leg. John slumps down in the armchair with a sigh. This conversation is to be held between Leah and the Father, the two other brothers don’t seem to be too keen to join them.

“This is Faith.”, Joseph tells her and stretches his arm out towards the woman.

Faith. She knows that name. She can’t put a face to it, though. From what she understands, the only people that know Faith are the ones whose devotion in the Project is wavering. Leah has never known that feeling, so the woman is a stranger to her. But something’s off.  
She can’t imagine Joseph seeing those nervous eyes and frail figure as something that could re-instill faith into people. The strands of honey blonde hair around her face are brittle and frizzy. Hollowed out eyes dart between Leah and Jacob next to her.  
Now that Leah’s closer to her she can see that her eyes aren’t blue like she thought at first, but rather a pale green. Whatever is gnawing at the woman buries her beauty underneath it all. There’s a sheen on her forehead, the bobbing on the balls of her feet is almost invisible. Another glance ticks off more boxes on things she’s seen in her time in the ER.

“You see Leah, Faith here wants to find the way into the light. But she’s having trouble.”, Joseph tells her.

Her suspicion comes even closer to the surface as John lets out an exasperated sigh behind them.

“Brother, as I’ve said before, let her remain in pain. It is the path that is the clearest.”, John’s words are disparaging, Leah presses her lips together.

There’s a pit forming in her stomach as she looks at Faith. The people around her talk about her like she isn’t in the room with them. Joseph turns to his younger brother who goes quiet like he’s been caught something he shouldn’t be doing.  
She feels Jacob’s presence next to her. She wants to look to him so bad, but she’s afraid it’ll give something away. He’s still testing his limbs, swinging his legs off the other side of the bed and standing up, he has no opinion like John seems to.

“As I was saying, Faith has trouble. We’re here to ask for your help.”

The Father is asking for help. Asking her of all people. Joy mixes with pride as she looks at him. But then she makes the mistake to look over at John who still sits in the armchair, his arms crossed. His eyes are small. Lips drawn into a line as he eyes her. His displeasure doesn’t match his pristine outside. The fabric of his shirt a dark navy, shiny and a perfect fit. His beard seems fuller and every single hair on his head lays in its place.

Leah tries to salvage the feeling of the Father wanting her to help them. Her eyes lay on Faith, the wiggle in her legs now more pronounced than before.

“When was the last time you used?”, Leah clenches her fingers, hoping her intuition is right.

Faith chews her bottom lip and twirls the fabric of her long-sleeved top between her fingers. A quick scan through the room reveals that no one is looking at Leah exasperated, so she seems to be right. Faith doesn’t answer her though. Her head turns to Joseph, eyes seeking for something. Just as he did with Leah, he gives her an encouraging nod to go ahead.

“Three, uh, three days ago.”, she answers quietly.

John shifts in the chair behind them, leaning forward. Again, Leah feels for Faith. This isn’t something she should have to discuss with people around her. The shame she sees in her eyes is something familiar to Leah. Countless eyes have looked at her like that back in the hospital. Her Father would rant and rave about people with addictions, how they’re weak characters and should be left to rot. To Leah, addiction is an illness, one that can be cured. And Faith seems willing to get healthy, the Father makes her want to get healthy.

“What did you use?”, it pains Leah to ask her these questions, her voice is warm and welcoming, signaling Faith that she’s trustworthy.

More shifting on her side, the nervousness she exudes is palpable. Leah wants to take her to the ward and shield her from the prying eyes and ears. But if the Father deems this to be right, then it is.

“I, uh, uhm, I-“, Faith can’t get the words out of her mouth.

“Go on.”, it’s John. The corners of his mouth are turned upwards as he looks at the back of Faith’s head.

Faith remains quiet. Her head hangs low, eyes screwed shut. Leah waits in silence before turning to the Father, she doesn’t want to watch Faith squirm any longer.

“Father, if it is alright with you, may I take her to the ward?”

Before she can receive an answer, John pipes up behind them.

“No, no, let her say it. Better yet, gather the people here and let them hear her.”, he seems almost amused.

Leah’s brows knit together at his words. Why is he so hellbent on humiliating her?  
Faith’s fingers intertwine to get her hands to stop shaking. John gets up and takes a step towards her.

“Let her reveal herself for what she is, let her-“

“John, shut up.”, Leah’s head snaps to Jacob, she could’ve sworn he had left the room.

He stands by the door, eyes dead set on his little brother.

“Pull that shit back in Holland Valley, not here. Leave her alone.”

John flinches like he’s been burned, the words of Jacob hold weight, even when they’re all adults now. Leah is familiar with the big sibling voice, it had only just started to work on her little sister before she left. The thought leaves a bitter taste on her tongue.

Joseph knows that the argument is settled and turns to Leah.

“I’ll accompany you.”

It’s not for what she had hoped, but by the looks of everything, he already knows all about her. Leah remembers when she laid herself bare in front of him. It was painful, so very painful, but also freeing. She wants Faith to feel the same freedom that she once did.

Kelly’s and Stephanie’s faces are what Leah imagines hers must’ve looked like when they come onto the ward. Jacob and John had stayed behind in Jacob’s room, their conversation hadn’t finished apparently.

Steph falls into a coughing fit after choking on her tea and Kelly scrambles to get to her side. The Father steps up to Stephanie’s bed, his face concerned. Leah takes the opportunity to take Faith into the back of the room and sits her down on a bed. A lost woman looks back at her as she pulls up a chair. But to start helping her, she needs to know what she has to tackle.

“Heroin, and, uhm, Coke, sometimes.”, Faith stutters out before Leah has to ask again.

The change of scenery is good for Faith, her eyes are no longer ripped open and filled with fear. Nonetheless, her voice is laced with shame, she doesn’t look Leah in the eyes as she talks.  
  
“Anything else? I don’t mean to prod, but I have to know.”

The bedsheets rustle as Faith shakes her head.

Leah leans back in the chair and turns inward. She goes though the copy of the storage room in her head, another quirk in her efforts to eliminate any chance of mishaps, and thinks about what she can do to help Faith in her recovery. Her mind whirrs like a rolodex as she goes down the list of things she can do and what she can use.

On the other side of the room, the Father can be seen laying a hand on Stephanie’s forehead, quietly saying something. Her eyes are closed, Kelly stands next to the bed on the opposite side, hands folded in prayer. Leah smiles at the picture, this might just be the push that Steph needs to get back on her feet again. Faith turns around to observe what has cause the change in Leah’s face.

“He’s so wonderful, don’t you think?”, she quietly says.

Even though the withdrawal has made her voice strained and small, it still has something about it. Just like Jacob’s voice when Leah heard it the first time. She speaks with passion now, her head is perked up as she looks towards the Father. Leah is sure that once Faith is back on her feet again, she will do wonders for Eden’s Gate and its people.

“Indeed, he is.”, Leah answers.

Joseph steps away from Stephanie’s bed, a warm smile acts as a goodbye to her and Kelly. As he approaches them, his hand extends outward to pull the curtain closed behind him, shielding the three of them from unwanted eyes. He comes to a stop at the foot of the bed, Faith turns her head to look at him with adoration in her eyes.

“Will you be able to help her my child?”, he asks her.

Leah treated many people for drug related issues, she isn’t qualified when it comes to therapy, though. If only she had access to some books to expand her knowledge a little bit. Maybe she can ask Jacob for some, Faith will inhabit a big role within the Project, she wants to set her up the best way that she can. As Leah twirls a strand of hair in her hand while thinking, she doesn’t register Faith’s smile wavering.

It’s too late as the woman bends down over her knees and is on her way to empty her stomach on the ground. The only thing blocking her is Leah’s lap, and so her legs get covered in bile, Faith desperately trying not to choke. Joseph is by her side, planting his hands on her shoulders as she gags, her back heaving when her stomach cramps in an effort to expel everything out of her.

She’s inconsolable as she sits back up, tears streaming out of her eyes, not only from throwing up. Her face is red as she profusely apologizes to Leah, using her bare hands to wipe at her pants in a desperate attempt to clean her. Leah can’t say she’s excited, but it’s nothing out of the ordinary. The single friend she kept from college always asked her how she deals with being exposed to every possible fluid of the human body, Leah told her it’s all matter of getting used to things. Faith tells her in between sobs that she can’t control her vomiting, it was the main reason she went back to drugs when she tried to quit.

A quick rinse and a change of clothes later, Leah comes back onto the ward to find Faith slumped over on the bed, going in and out of sleep. Her half lidded eyes try to find Leah’s but sleep seems to pull her under again. The Father sits beside her bed, looking to Leah as she approaches them. Leah sits on the bed next to Faith’s.

“She told me to tell you sorry.”, the Father chuckles at her.

Leah hangs her head and smiles to herself.

“Believe me, that is one of the less gross things that happens to me. It’s fine.”

Her time in the shower gave her enough space to think.

“I think Hyoscine would help with the vomiting, but I don’t have anything to medically substitute the Heroin, Methadone or Suboxone for example.”, Leah tells him.

She wishes she could help Faith more, but drug use isn't something she has to deal with on a regular basis. Also trying to come up with makeshift solutions could potentially be dangerous.

“Hyoscine?”, the Father questions, stroking his beard.

“Scopolamine. Found in nightshade plants, like Henbane or Angel’s Trumpet. I have a couple of patches and doses here.”

The Father looks down at Faith and strokes a strand of hair out of her face.

“Henbane, huh? I always wondered why the river to the south was named like that.”

Leah nods at him. With the sun setting in the window behind him and his plain white shirt and jeans, he almost looks like a normal man sitting beside the bed of his sick daughter. His aviators are missing today, and his rosary hangs from his neck instead of his hand.

“I would recommend some IV fluid to at least keep her hydrated, all that vomiting has to take a toll on her body. Maybe some painkillers if she’s doing bad. But other than that, I’m afraid I can’t do much more. I’m sorry Father.”

His hand on her thigh isn’t as heavy as Jacob’s, but it holds more metaphorical weight. His stare is intense this time, the lines around his eyes are hard.

“It is vital to this Project that she gets better. But I know that you will do all that you can. Everything you do is appreciated, and you will be repaid tenfold in the New Eden, I promise you my child”

His voice is so steady and piercing that Leah draws in a deep breath as he speaks to her. Everything he says holds so much weight to Leah, his words draw her in every time.

“I will leave her in your care, I trust that you keep me updated about how she’s doing.”

Leah nods at him, still too taken aback by his previous statement. As if a switch flips, he gets up and makes his way out of the ward, only saying a short goodbye to the four of them. Leah sits on the bed for another minute, trying to process the events of the day. Then, her eyes fall on the small stature of Faith as she stretches her legs and scrunches her face. Restless-Leg-Syndrome was one of the first things Leah thought of when she saw her wiggling about, the symptoms tend to get worse as the day goes on.

Faith needs a shower, Leah can tell. She also wants to get her into a hospital gown in case the vomiting problem arises again. But letting her sleep is the bigger priority right now. The only thing that she can do now is to apply the Scopolamine-patch onto her and hoping it provides a little bit of relief.  
Leah calls Kelly to her as she peels back Faith’s hair to apply the patch behind her ear, while also trying not to wake her up.

“Get her into the shower when she wakes up and change her into a gown. Wake me up as soon as she’s back in her bed so that I can place an IV. I’m going to lie down a bit in my bunk, will you be okay?”, Leah asks her as she washes her hands.

“Of course sugar, I’ll be fine.”, she tells her in her thick southern accent.

Her hands long for a cup of tea as she steps out of the ward, it’s late in the evening, the Center is winding down for the night, but she still wants a couple of minutes for herself. The tea is made quickly and she even remembers to get herself a jacket before she steps out into the chilly air of Hope County.  
She walks past the truck that is parked in the middle of the courtyard, and only now does she realize it’s the one the Seed family arrived in.

Even in darkness she knows where to go, her feet guide her over the gravel and roots sticking out of the ground. The light from the courtyard is bright enough for the last of its rays to reach the lake, making flickering waves dance over the surface of it. Back when she started to work in the hospital, she came to appreciate silence. Coming home from a day filled with beeping machines, instruments clinking and patients moaning and talking, sitting in her quiet dark room was like therapy.  
The same goes for sitting by the lake, no shouting, no growling no shots going off, just her and the sound of the waves.

“There you are angel.”

His baritone floats around her ears and lifts her shoulders, making her sit up straight. He squats down next to the tree stump she’s sitting on, half of his face is veiled in shadows. Leah’s eyes catch onto the freckles littering his skin on the illuminated side. His mouth is curled into a relaxed smile as his hand draws broad strokes her back. Leah still isn’t really used to the physical closeness he exhibits towards her, she craves it nonetheless though.

“Don’t put so much strain on your calf just yet.”, Leah can’t help at the healthcare worker jumping out of her.

“Alright, alright. You’re the professional.”, he chuckles and just sits down on the ground.

The engine of the truck in the courtyard roars to life and signals the Seeds leaving the Veteran’s Center. Leah feels a smidge of relief, she wouldn’t have known how to approach John if she was to run into him somewhere. Both Leah and Jacob look after the truck as it takes down the road and her eyes linger in the dark, even when the sound of the truck has died down.

“How’s she doing?”, Jacob asks as he turns his head back to her.

Leah can’t tear her eyes away from the spot she saw the taillights of the truck last. She speaks into the night.

“Good, for how someone going through withdrawals can do.”

She finally looks down at Jacob.

“She’s asleep now, but not before she vomited all over me. Poor girl.”, Leah gives him a lopsided smile.

“Wait, you got puked on?”, a laugh bubbles in Jacob’s chest.

Leah rolls her eyes in an overly dramatic fashion. Jacob’s full on laughing now, his hand lands on her knee. His laugh is deep and rumbling, it’s also contagious as Leah starts to chuckle to herself as well.

“Not the worst thing I’ve ever gotten on me. And it’s to be expected with addicts off of their drugs.”

His hand is back on her back, and from it spreads warmth through her body, her tea is almost not needed anymore. A minute of silence passes between them, Leah reflects back on the day. John and his groundless animosity towards Faith comes back into her head.

“Why was John so set on making Faith expose herself?”, she asks into the darkness.

There’s a sigh from Jacob, Leah’s afraid she’s crossed a line asking about his family.

“You’ve never met the previous Faith, have you?”

Leah shakes her head and says ‘no’ out loud when she realizes Jacob didn’t see her.

“Her name was Selena. A quiet, pretty little thing.”

A pang of jealousy hits Leah in the stomach. She’s taken aback by her own reaction.

“Yeah, you see, John couldn’t keep it in his pants. We were wondering why she spent so much time at his ranch. Joseph was livid when he found out, told John that he soiled her. And then she just disappeared. John took that personally.”

His words sound casual, nonchalant as he talks about the supposed disappearance of the previous Faith. Same goes for the sexual escapades of his brother. Not everything that glitters is gold, and John feels more like silver to her, but she doesn’t expect Jacob to just reveal the shortcomings of his brother to her. She just lets out an understanding noise.

“He’ll get over it, John is full of passion for things, and if you mess with that he sulks.”

Faith isn’t responsible for anything that happened to her predecessor, John’s maliciousness on top of her fight with addiction has to take a toll on her. Leah sips the rest of her tea in silence, the temperature has dropped significantly now, the cold nips at her ears.  
  
Leah wants to ask why the Father specifically chose her as the new Faith, the state she’s in right now doesn’t suggest she can manage to turn people back to the faith.

“I’m just glad he chose her.”, Jacob gives her a template she can’t ignore.

“Why?”, she asks.

His hand comes up to rest on her knee again, but he decides it’s not enough as his hand searches for hers.

“You remember when he came up in the summer after the Whitetails attacked the convoy?”

Leah tries not to, the memory claws at the back of her head, it makes her queasy to think of Jacob’s words and his cold eyes.

“He told me he considered you as the next one.”


End file.
